Hi Anita,

I’m so touched (as always) by the time you take to formulate your replies to me, and all the members here. It must take a long time and a lot of energy to do this, and I know I’ve said it before, but I am so grateful to you. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I read your reply this morning, and I have been thinking about it and processing it all day I believe. I feel so many things are clicking for me, and the more research I do on Bipolar II, the more I feel it is likely the right diagnosis for me. I am somewhat shocked I didn’t realize it sooner, but most of my experience with clients and research in the past was on Bipolar I, which I didn’t feel I ever met the diagnostic criteria for, and so I left it at that. Maybe part of me also didn’t want to have a formal diagnosis of any kind related to mental health either, despite being in this field myself. Maybe especially for that reason. Either way, I am trying my best to face this head-on, so I can really move forward with my life.

Now to reply specifically to your posts. You’re right, I have heard the sentiment of guilt often from others when losing a pet. I know this is normal, yet I am still disappointed in myself. I don’t remember if I posted about this or not, but around the beginning of the pandemic, I met an individual that was clearly not suitable for me to date, for many reasons. I continued to see him, and later his “friend”, simply because I was lonely and I rationalized it by telling myself that it was just during the pandemic and I would end it once it was over. However, that individual (the friend of the original unsuitable man) became a horrible disruptive force in my life. He stole money from me, used my vehicle without my permission on several occasions and racked up several expensive speeding tickets I now have to pay, and worst of all, involvement with him led to my dog being attacked. Looking back, I imagine I was experiencing hypomania at the time, and simply was not thinking or behaving rationally. I have made peace with my consequences from this horrible involvement, such as the lost money, but I am not able to make peace with how it affected my poor sweet dog. I knew that man’s dog was not well trained and might be aggressive, but for some ridiculous reason, I thought my dog would be alright and that if they got along, I could bring him more around when I was with this worthless man. Thinking back on this now, I am appalled at myself. I wish I could go back in time so desperately to ensure this never happened, and to spend more time with my sweet boy. He deserved much better from me. His whole life I was there for him and cared for him, it hurts deeply that in the end is when I failed to do so. Do you recommend any strategies to deal with this form of guilt?

Thank you for your strategy with J and S. Miraculously J does not come to mind as much anymore, but S still does. I will do my best to replace the thoughts with Just Say No to Shame if either does. I think it did help today. When you wrote about “the wonderful was the mood state, the hypomania.. not the man, not the relationship. The stuck, damaged, hopeless- is the depression following the hypomania. When depressed, you terribly miss the hypomania, the gap between hypomania and depression, and the fall into depression is devastating.”, it really, really made sense to me. Just like that, the glimmer and appeal of S started to fade away, and what I was left with was a clear picture of a man that I barely knew, who, in the end, was not anything like the image I projected onto him. It also made sense why in the past so many of my friends and family could not understand why I was so enamoured with certain individuals who seemed at best nothing special to them, and at worst, very low-caliber individuals.

Thank you for your support in this Anita, and your confirmation that it is likely the right diagnosis for me. I should mention that it is somewhat ironic that it was my mother of all people that suggested the diagnosis. She suggested it as her mother was diagnosed Bipolar many years ago, I’m not sure which type, and she believes her inability to find the right treatment damaged their relationship beyond repair and caused my mother a great deal of pain. I realized that even if there was only a small possibility of me meeting this criteria, I must seek it out. I do not want to do harm to those I care about, especially if I ever were to have children one day. I briefly spoke with my family doctor prior to our appointment on Monday, and she mentioned she usually treats Bipolar with a combination of mood stabilizers and antidepressants. I thought about it, and with my experience of taking antidepressants and it not being helpful to me, I believe the mood stabilizer might have better effectiveness. I see now that most of my depressive periods follow a seemingly hypomanic period, so I believe if the hypomania is in check, then it is less likely that I will fall into depressive periods. I hope, anyway.

Once again, thank you so much for your continued support Anita. In my darkest moments, when I post here and read your replies, I always feel a little better and more hopfefull. I think this is a gift you have, and we are all very lucky to have you on this forum and part of this community. I hope you have a great evening!

L