Hi Anita,

Thank you, I hope you have a good rest tonight. Oddly enough, out of the blue an ex-partner of mine reached out to see how I’m doing. He’s now in a long term relationship (which started right after he and I ended) and has an adorable baby. We always had a great rapport, but maybe we have always been better as friends rather than lovers. The chemistry didn’t seem to be there in the past, but now I wonder how much of that was due to me pushing it at lightning speed, as I always did. We could talk for hours and both genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. There seemed to be passion in the beginning, but as I always did in the past, I got obsessed and irrational about the prospect of a relationship and I think I snuffed it out. I wish I could have seen it clearly back then, but all I remember at the time was trying to grasp so tightly to something that was seeping out of my fingertips. It makes me wonder what would have been if I had been more stable and let things develop or unfold organically.

It made me think about it, and as far as I can remember (as you have pointed out in the past), all of my romantic breakups in the past 6-7 years since my long term relationship have stemmed from periods of hypomania. You wrote once that my “blunders are significant, so they are in the way of you forming a healthy relationship with a suitable man.” and you were right. I know it’s unhelpful, but I can’t help thinking about what could have been had I realized all of this sooner, if I had gotten help from the right therapist and likely the right medication years ago. I don’t know if I would still have been with this man I’ve mentioned or any of the others in my past, but I think for sure the last few years would have been far less tumultuous and painful.

On a positive note, since discussing this new revelation with you, I have felt somewhat sad thinking about my past and what could have been, but I don’t feel completely obsessed, distraught and hopeless like I often used to when thinking about my past. I think this clarity is helping me process everything more rationally, and I feel a little bit of hope. I’ve had some awful experiences in the last few years and dated some less than great men, but I’ve also had positive experiences and dated some very kind men. I wish I would have been able to tell the difference back then as I seem to be able to know, but I guess life doesn’t always go as we would have wanted it to. I really hope that it’s not too late for me, but even my therapist admits that at my age, it is less likely to find kind, stable, suitable men to date as those with such qualities are likely already taken. But I suppose I just need one. That being said, I have resigned myself that no matter how badly I wanted to rush this, it simply can’t be, and I probably need quite some time on my own to properly heal before I venture out again into the world of dating.

L