Dear Laelithia:

You are most welcome. “Maybe part of me also didn’t want to have a formal diagnosis of any kind related to mental health, despite being in this field myself. Maybe especially for that reason”- what better psychotherapist to treat people who suffer from a certain disorder (and similar disorders) than a therapist who suffers from the same disorder, having the thorough understanding and experience of it?

“You’re right, I have heard the sentiment of guilt often from others when losing a pet.. yet I am still disappointed in myself”- you can apply empathy for yourself, knowing that you’ve suffered for so long from a mood disorder, forgiving yourself for the effects of a disorder that you fell a victim to, one that made your life so much more difficult and challenging than others’.

About the unsuitable man you met around the beginning of the pandemic and that man’s friend, and all that resulted from your involvement with the latter, I agree that it was very likely a result of you “experiencing hypomania at the time, and simply was not thinking or behaving rationally”.

Regarding the unfortunate incident of your dog being attacked, I hope you find a way to forgive yourself. You did right by him for so long (“His whole life I was there for him and cared for him”)- you messed up that one time, didn’t practice good judgment. You asked me if I recommend any strategies to deal with this form of guilt- I suggest that every time you feel guilty about your dog suffering as a result of your lesser judgment/ hypomania-  remind yourself that you too have suffered as a result of the same,  many, many times, and massively. Feel empathy not only for your dog, but for yourself.

You wrote that “mood stabilizers might have better effectiveness” for you than antidepressants- probably; it will take some time and experimentation, but mood stabilizers help millions of people, and I think that they will help you too.

It makes sense to me, that “if the hypomania is in check, then it is less likely that (you) will fall into depressive periods”- fits with the what-goes-up-must-come-down principle.

“On a positive note, since discussing this new revelation with you, I have felt somewhat sad thinking about my past and what could have been, but I don’t feel completely obsessed, distraught and hopeless like I often used to when thinking about my past. I think this clarity is helping me process everything more rationally, and I feel a little bit of hope”- I am so glad to read this that I had to retype it. Your life can and will be so much better as you experience more and more clarity and rational thinking, leading to sound judgement.

“I really hope that it’s not too late for me”- it is not too late for you!

“my therapist admits that at my age, it is less likely to find kind, stable, suitable men to date as those.. are likely already taken”- it is also less likely that you will find unkind, unstable, unsuitable men to date as those too… are already taken. And some of the kind, suitable ones who found themselves with unkind women as their wives- get divorced and are available for you. And like you wrote, you “just need one”.

anita