Dear Leanne:

You (25) shared that you were “always somewhat lost”, having grown up with an alcoholic mother and a physically and verbally abusive father. As a result, you’ve had “serious codependency problems and fear of being alone”.

Seven years ago, at 18, you had a short love affair with a man, 24 at the time (let’s refer to him as M) who visited your hometown. M then went back to where he lived and tried to keep in touch with you long distance. At 21 you got cancer and at one point, you were near death. You dated a “super toxic/ jealous guy for 5 years and was never allowed to talk to (M)”.

After your five year relationship ended, you were in nursing school and feeling lost. At that time, M returned to your home town and swept you off your feet. He made you feel “extremely loved, nothing like I’ve experienced before”. You moved up to M’s hometown and lived with him.. and with his mother.

You became aware of “the weirdest dynamic I’ve ever seen” between M and his mother, “they text 24/7 when they are away from each other. I love yous and miss you constantly”, she insisted on going to restaurants with you and M, so “to experience it together”; she chose what amusement park to you to for your birthday; she manipulated her son with guilt tactics. When you and A left her to visit your hometown or elsewhere, she texted him, telling him that she cried when he left, making “him feel like she can’t live without him”.

A week ago, you decided to go back alone to your hometown following your mother and grandmother dying and inheriting a house in the past year. You are considering ending the relationship with A (and his mother).

You wrote: “(M) tells me we will have a place together one day soon, we just gotta get (his mother) situated”.

My input: I don’t think that his mother is interested in getting situated in an apartment/ house away from her son. I think that for her, to be “situated” means to continue to be situated inside her son’s soul- inside his mind and heart, for as long as she lives (and beyond).

You wrote that their “love yous and miss you constantly” grosses you out- no wonder, because their relationship is one of emotional incest. In his mother’s mind and heart,  her son is her romantic partner minus the sex (I hope).

M is not responsible for the creation of this emotionally incestuous relationship, but he is deeply involved in it nonetheless. He will need to attend serious psychotherapy so to free himself from this unhealthy relationship with his mother, something that will be very difficult for him to do because of those guilt tactics you mentioned.

I believe that unless he is willing and able to attend serious, quality psychotherapy aimed at freeing himself from his mother’s incestuous emotional tentacles, you should indeed end the relationship.

You mentioned that you were in nursing school: did you graduate?

anita