Dear WestCoastGal:

“Has anyone started a relationship/ family in their late 30s when they didn’t think it would happen?”- I got married at 49, and I assure you: I did not think it could happen. On the other hand, I was sure that children will not happen for me, but that was/ is okay with me. I never intended to bring children into the world because I experienced the world as not good enough to bring new, innocent life into it. With climate change and recent events- I feel even stronger on the matter. There are plenty of children who are already here, in our world, and they don’t have a home- if I was to have children, I would adopt.

Regarding getting pregnant in a woman’s late thirties and forties, here is from an article in The New York Times from April 15, this year (nytimes. com/ 2020/04/15/ parenting/ pregnancy/  baby after 40. html): “More than 1000,000 Americans give birth in their 40s each year, but what does that mean for the health of their pregnancies and their babies?.. It’s harder to get pregnant: eggs gradually decline in number and quality as you get older. If you’re over 35, you’re considered to be of ‘advanced maternal age’- with fertility starting to drop most significantly around 32… taking a particularly deep nose dive around 37. ‘By the age 44, the chances of spontaneous pregnancy approach zero…

“Of course, reproductive technologies such as in vitro fertilization can help some couples skirt those numbers, but even those efforts can become less successful with age. According to a 2016 report from the C.D.C., one in vitro fertilization cycle has a 36 percent chance of successfully impregnating a woman under 35, whereas it has about a 22 percent chance for women between 38 and 40, about a 13 percent chance for those 41 or 42, and about a 6 percent chance for women over 42.

“It’s harder to stay pregnant: Miscarriages and stillbirths can happen at any age, but the chances increase as you get older. Pregnancy losses… are almost always caused by chromosomal problems in the embryo, which are more likely in older eggs.. women between 40 and 44 have a 33 percent chance of miscarriage. Across all pregnancies, miscarriage risk is believed to be closer to 10 to 20 percent…

“Your risk for other complications increases: As you age, your chances of developing certain cardiovascular problems like high blood pressure and heart disease increase. This is one of the reasons ..”women over 40 are at higher risk for pre-eclampsia (high blood pressure and protein in the urine during pregnancy, which can be life-threatening) and gestational diabetes (abnormally high blood sugar during pregnancy). These conditions can create a host of  problems for both mother and baby- including low (or abnormally high)  birth weights and premature deliveries”-

– there is more, but this is enough for me, going back in time, to not consider getting pregnant even if I was okay with bringing new, innocent life into our world.

Regarding relationships and marriage, in your first thread- you expressed on one hand, that you have been interested in a relationship and marriage for many years: “I just don’t want to be stuck in another relationship where I’m  waiting to move forward, as my past boyfriends I was with for years, and never got to the point of discussing marriage”,

But on the other hand, you expressed that you have had the tendencies to (1) find wrong in relationships and end them: “Part of me wonder if I’m just looking for things to be wrong because I have a tendency to do that in relationships”,

(2) to avoid relationships altogether (and therefore, to avoid marriage), ever since you were a young woman: “when I was quite young and if a guy was interested in me, I would immediately be turned off”,

(3) to avoid relationships and marriage by chasing guys who were not interested in a relationship and marriage (and by focusing on those men, not being available to men who were interested in a relationship and marriage): “In my adult years, I’ve tended to chase men that aren’t ready for a relationship, have issues, or just aren’t interested”.

The title of your current thread is: “Am I too old?” for marriage (and children). As far as marriage is concerned, I don’t think that you are too old for marriage. I don’t think that age will prevent you from getting married in your late 30s, or in your 40s- I think that it is your fear of being stuck in a relationship/ marriage that has kept you from marriage and that same fear, unless examined and confronted, is likely to prevent you from getting married in the future.

anita