About your boyfriend, maybe your relationship did mean nothing to him. But that’s no fault of yours. Avoidant style people will always be avoidant unless they take conscious action to change the patterns, no matter which new girl they kiss. Feel sorry for the new girl. Because after a couple of months, she’s gonna see his unhealthy relationship patterns, and suffer the same pain you did.

Work on overcoming your anxious style of attachment. Examine the areas of your life. My anxious attachment style left many areas of my life underdeveloped. My hobbies, my studies, my volunteer services, my mindfulness practice, and even my friendships because I put all my eggs in one basket and naively thought it would give me purpose and joy in life when really, true contentment and happiness comes out of many factors. And then take actionable steps to improve those areas. What did you use to enjoy as a kid, before the anxiety and the deep, desperate need for relationships? The anxiety is always gonna be there, but it doesn’t mean you have to spend your life fixing yourself. You can still have romantic relationships and feel anxious urges, but your mindfulness will gently remind you that you’re your own separate person. The anxious urges will never fully go away. You’ll just get better at managing them, and feeling those emotions out, instead of running away from them and finding solace in another person. And some day you’ll reach a plateau where more days and not, you have a secure level of attachment. But that’s further in the future, so right now, focus on your beliefs and digging out your core values.

In the beginning of the journey, put all romantic relationships on hold. It may feel tempting to find a new guy, and cling to THEM. But do the serious work of being alone with yourself. Every time you feel anxious or the desire to call your ex, just bundle up in a blanket and let yourself feel those emotions. When the brunt of the emotional wave has passed, get back to living your life. Slowly but surely, you’ll enjoy your own company.

Make actionable steps. It may seem overwhelming to suddenly start knowing yourself, and learning self-love, because they’re such abstract concepts. So maybe your to-do can go something like this:

1) I’ll write down how many times I felt my anxious urges, to gauge how much progress needs to be done.

2) I’ll write down how I responded to those urges. Did I feel the urge to distract myself with food, Internet, and studies? Or did I let myself feel the brunt of that anxiety, and when it passed, I talked about it with a friend or I returned to my life/

3) I’ll start studying my childhood. Year by year. And see where those anxious urges originated. How did my parents give me love and affection? Was it an unpredictable relationship where I needed to fulfill their conditions to get their love? How did my romantic relationships and friendships reflect my anxious urges?

4) I’ll make one step to improve my life.

• This could be taking a walk, petting a cat you see on the street (and later washing your hands) or making sure you eat right and drink enough water. Make sure they’re small, daily steps instead of huge momuments: I want to be healthy (yes, but what does healthy mean?)

This journey is gonna be a long one. But don’t be overwhelmed. It’s not about perfection, where you suddenly never have problems with clinging to people ever again. It’s about growth, so when you DO face those problems, you have the tools to handle them. There’s a lot more I can say, but there are so many resources out there that can help you out. I have no idea if you’ll use those resources, but I hope you do. Because you’re a wonderful person. I know you’re a wonderful person because we were all beautiful people before life took its toll on us. And our job as adults is to find that beautiful child and nurture it.