Dear anita,

I agree, I am not afraid to be alone… I am afraid to be left alone. I still do not see how with my mother, since technically i am alone by myself, but yes there is something different that makes me feel very anxious and scared, a different kind of loneliness.

I just saw my mother a couple of months ago, when I had to go to do some paperwork and she was really nice to me. Actually I felt guilty because  I wanted to go away again, even though I like seeing my parents…  Sometimes when I am there I see myself like something small and I want to be hugged like if I were a small cat and I want my mother to pet me. Other times when I am here I also want someone to hug me and take care of me, then I am afraid I would depend on someone that would eventually leave me.

Something I remember about this guy N is that a couple of months ago he mentioned things like making plans together, like traveling or living together, then recently when he mentions those things he talks like a suggestion for me to do it by myself. And that makes me wonder what did he make him change. I know I should ask… maybe  i can do that when/if he is back.

Sorry this response is all over the place, I feel like I wrote whatever came to my mind.

Kay