Dear Kay:

“I am not afraid to be alone.. I am afraid to be left alone”- when you get used to being alone, you feel safe, or safer, but when you get close to someone (feeling that comforting-Togetherness I mentioned), then you become afraid of being left alone.

“I just saw my mother a couple of months ago.. she was really nice to me. Actually, I felt guilty because I wanted to go away again”- when you saw her, she was really nice to you, but you remember the many times she was angry and abusive to you.

Think of it this way: let’s say that for ten years, you ate spoiled potato salad again and again, and every time you did, you vomited. You then stayed away from potato salad. Years later, you are offered fresh potato salad- your reaction: likely you will feel like vomiting, even though it is fresh, because you remember vomiting before.

Understanding this, I hope that you resolve the guilt you mentioned.

“Sometimes when I am there I see myself like something small and I want to be hugged like I were a small cat and I want my mother to pet me”- that’s you wanting to experience closeness/ that comforting-Togetherness I mentioned. Being touched is part of the comforting-Togetherness that we all need.

“then I am afraid I would depend on someone that would eventually leave me”- that’s the fear of relaxing into the comfort of Togetherness- and then losing that closeness/ being left alone. So, you prefer to stay on edge, not comfortable, not so close.. so that the Fall from Togetherness to Alone is not too great and too painful.

“N .. mentioned things like making plans together.. then recently.. (suggesting) for me to do it by myself”- when he made plans for the two of you to be Together- you got scared, so you kept your distance best you could, appearing disinterested. He in turn figured that you were not interested in Togetherness with him.

Did I understand correctly?

anita