Dear anita,

I think what you are describing is exactly what is happening!

That edging state is so draining. It is like i want to be alone and safe but at the same time i want company, but then i get scared.

And what happens with N i think it is correct as well. And i really enjoy spending time with him, but i get so scared of expectations. I told him the other day i really enjoy being with him, he said he knew it. But i would like to be more what he expects me to be, like act excited instead of disinterested (because of fear) , because i know that eventually, if not already, he is going to get tired and just leave.

Kay