Dear Kay:

I know very well how this feels:  “to want to be alone and safe but at the same time I want company, but then I get scared”- like every little girl, I too loved my mother more than anything, she was my Everything. When this most important person in the world turned against me with words and actions, so surprising, so earth shattering- I was scared to death. When she did it again and again, the fear took hold and became an ongoing anxiety.

When she fed me with her delicious food, when she bought me gifts etc.- none of it made up for the verbal and physical assaults. Children are just too sensitive to violence, especially by those they love and trust- the fear, anxiety and damage are done and can’t be undone by nice acts in between the assaults.

“I really enjoy spending time with him, but I get s scared of expectations”- I imagine that when your mother was nice to you and you enjoyed spending time with her, you hoped that she was going to stay this way, nice and kind. But it was just a matter of time before she turned against you again. Remembering this only too well-  you are afraid of depending on your boyfriend to stay nice. You expect him to turn against you, or to leave you (?)

But imagine that .. maybe N is different from your mother. Did you notice that he is more patient, not inclined to get angry.. that he is different from your mother?

anita