Dear Explorer:

You are very welcome. First, what I believe it is all about, using your words in the order shared: “Seeing.. (his) family- who loved me and were sad about our parting- embrace the new relationship… Being rejected & having someone chosen ‘over’ you.. his family embracing the new girlfriend, just like they did me. When we broke up, each family member reached out to me individually to express their sadness about our breakup.. We very much had become a part of each other’s lives… afraid to be forgotten… Them connecting with her now hurts me the most- I don’t think I miss my ex anymore, but I miss his family”.

Second, more about the story you shared: your ex had a “long distance friend”, a woman friend,  while in the relationship with you. Toward the end of the relationship you suspected that friendship to be “an emotional affair”, and you asked him questions about that friendship. “He lied and denied the feelings and told (you) to trust him”.

When your relationship broke up, he “immediately started a relationship” with her, “moved on right away”.  Two years later, they “are still happy”: you have seen “their relationship flourish on social media”, seen their friends and family (who fully embraced you earlier)  “embrace the new relationship”.

Seeing another woman take your place in his and his family’s lives, seeing his family “connecting with her”.. seeing that you are “forgotten”, “rejected” and replaced have brought a “wrath of emotions” in you, including hurt and anger over being “chosen ‘over'”, “a lot of betrayal, anger, embarrassment and confusion”.

Since the breakup, you “bought a house, got fit, ran a marathon, fostered (your) friendships, traveled extensively”, and you’ve been dating “a new man” for about four months. The new man in your life is thoughtful, generous, has similar values to yours, wears his heart on his sleeve, and is “head over heels” for you, but the thought of having been replaced by your ex’s family occupies your mind. You are often annoyed with your new boyfriend, feeling “very pressured and stressed”, questioning your new relationship, scared of fully opening up to him, uneasy sharing your feelings openly and critical toward him.

Third part of this post- you wrote, “I need to start gaining clarity as my current partner does not deserve to be left in the dark about my internal conflict. I feel like I am running in a circle and would so much like to simply look forward”- let’s turn on the light on your internal conflict, so that you can stop running in a circle:

What I see, shining my source of light on your situation (please correct me if I am wrong) is that you experienced your ex’s family as your own family for some time, feeling accepted and embraced by them. This was different from what you experienced with your own family of origin. Your family of origin, at one point on,  chose someone else over you. They rejected you somehow, forgot about you and attended  to someone else, or something else. You loved them so much and they turned away from you, betraying your love for them.

When his family turned away from you and toward someone else, the new woman- your emotional injury of childhood started bleeding, and it has been bleeding for two years. This ongoing bleeding feels horrible; bleeding, you stressed and pressured, angry, hurt and confused. To gain clarity about your current relationship, you have to stop this bleeding first, clean the wound, and start the process of healing.

Since the breakup you got fit,  ran a marathon, bought a house, etc. Emotional healing will be more difficult to accomplish, it will take ongoing courageous exploration, lots of patience and time- but in a matter of a few months, you can make a lot of progress.

anita