Dear Michelle:

I am relieved to read that you are okay with my latest analysis. I felt that I may have over-analyzed and caused you upset…  just before Christmas. I want you to be okay in the context of your relationship with this man, and otherwise.

“Do you still believe that he has trouble opening up with people because of his parents, or do you think it is just me he has trouble doing this with”- the first part. I can’t imagine a person more inviting to open up than you- being thoughtful, accommodating, empathetic, patient and trustworthy.

“I’ve also know men who have seen me as a short term casual affair, and they don’t tend to care the way he does, or want to spend much time”- he doesn’t fit the “short term casual affair” box. But he clearly and repeatedly suggested that he does not see or want the relationship to be long term/ marriage, so I figure that he finds safety in placing a time-limit on the relationship.

On one hand he wants the relationship with you, on the other hand- he is afraid of it. His solution: keep the relationship but limit it, limit it in time and title (girlfriend-boyfriend, marriage).

“I feel it is more a case of what you said before. Him feeling imperfect and being afraid to disappoint me and be rejected by me”- I agree, the Perfect/ Ideal-OCD theme is clear to me. And having suffered from OCD myself for many years, I know very well that fear fuels the disorder.

“I feel he’s played defense more than offense?”- yes, defense, because he is very afraid to be stuck in a relationship with no way out, so he figuratively keeps pointing to the door, telling you: there’s the door and I will get out when I need to.

“He was severely depressed for the weeks that we weren’t talking”- he is emotionally attached to you, and if he is partly reasonable, he has to see the high quality girlfriend that you are and appreciate what he can lose.

I remember that you shared that he said that marriage is a fantasy, he used the word fantasy- well, in his mind, marriage (and otherwise, a relationship that is not limited in time) is a very unpleasant fantasy that he doesn’t want to get stuck in.

“I feel like a lot of progress has been made, and I don’t know how to move away from this man, nor do I feel a need to at the current time. He is so woven in the fabric of my psyche, that it’s just too hard to unravel him.. I just feel like we have a story to play out still”-

– I imagine a possible story with him being that the two of you live together but differently from the way his parents lived together. The two of you come up with Relationship Rules, so that he feels safe knowing what to expect in different scenarios (limiting the unknowns), and that within the home you share, he will have his own room where he can have his private, alone-time when he needs it.

If you express to him that his fear of getting stuck in a time-unlimited relationship is not a Problem that you expect him to solve by himself, but a problem that the two of you can solve together by creating relationship rules and accommodations (such as his own room), it may make him feel much better, less scared.

I wish you a Merry Christmas and whenever you feel like posting, I will be glad to read from you and reply.

anita