Dear A:

You shared that starting October this year, you started to feel jealous about the relationship between two of your closest friends, particularly regarding their sleepovers. The two of them spend a lot of time with each other and you feel left out, including in group chats between the three of you. At one time the two of them talked about watching a show together, just the two of them, ignoring you.

Recently you told one of your friends, the one you were closer to (A) everything that you’ve been feeling for the last three months, “from jealousy to annoyance”, you took personal responsibility for your feelings and made it abundantly clear to her that you don’t expect her to stop being friends with the other friend (B).

A told you that she didn’t mean to ignore you/ push you to the side, but added: “I’m not just gonna stop being friends with someone because you’re jealous” even though you made it abundantly clear to her that this was not your expectation. You texted her back reminding her of what you made very clear to her earlier, and telling her that you were hurt because you thought she knew you “better than that”.

She then apologized but you are still upset that she said what she said, “If you know I’m not like that then why say it?” She went on to say that “she felt uncomfortable and awkward and didn’t know how to talk” to you at the moment. Currently the two of you are taking a break from each other.

My input is regard to your question: “If you know I’m not like that then why say it?”. My answer: because she may have been talking to someone else, not to you. For example, let’s say that when A was a child, her mother was jealous when A expressed affection to an aunt or some other adult, and expected A to accommodate her jealousy by no longer showing affection to others. Fast forward, you told her that you are jealous, she felt awkward and distressed, remembering her mother’s jealousy and .. and she said what she said to her mother, so to speak.

It is very common, especially when we are distressed, tired, not prepared.. to sort of talk to the voices in our heads, that is, answer what we remember other people told us, as in the example I gave. Does this make sense to you?

anita