Dear miyoid:

You shared that you are “scared of losing this boyfriend”. The other day, after work, you came home and “he wanted to end things.. because .. he’s harming me, himself, physical objects as well. He doesn’t want the blame that comes with those behaviors. So he wanted to make it stop.”

His announcement hit you hard and you  “basically felt like a little kid… I was abandoned before, several times, both by parents and partners”. You then “cried a lot”. He then changed his mind, but you are thinking that he changed his mind only because he doesn’t want you to feel bad, and that he will leave/ abandon you.

You remember that when you were abandoned by this or that parent, you weren’t able to focus in school and you “didn’t feel like doing anything. That was the case every time I was abandoned”, and now- you are afraid that this boyfriend will abandon you and that you will not “be able to handle that state if that happens again”.

Next, this boyfriend “is now considering having an affair or flirting with another person just to stay alive… He wants to be by my side but he also needs stuff to try to feel alive. He is sure that he still loves me but considers all the stuff I did with my ex boyfriends (such as camping, going to different cities, smoking, drinking) as ‘living’. And he thinks that he didn’t do any of those in the past, so he feels left-alone”.

You remember that during the first week you spent with him abroad, you had “more fun than any other ex”, but following that you didn’t have the time to go camping with him or travel because you were busy with studies, applying for jobs, the pandemic, and now you are working full time, and all you have for him is your late week nights and Sundays.

In June 2019, you wrote regarding men and relationships: “I pick whomever that I can get affection from. I crave affection, not the person. Because of that, I’ve started to question if I ever like anybody?… my anxiety appears when I don’t get that affection… Between the relationships, there was always suffering, mental breakdowns. I simply didn’t want to continue my life in those moments”.

My understanding today of the relationship between you and this man, based on what you shared recently and what you shared before (correct me where I may be wrong):

The two of you met sometime in 2019, both depressed, had an undefined relationship as you called it, he then went abroad to study for six months, during that time you talked every day. He then returned from abroad and moved in with you sometime in early 2020 (living together made financial sense because separately, each one of you would need to find flat mates so to share the bills). Both of you have been depressed ever since, throughout the time you lived together.

You spent 24/7 together during the pandemic. At some point he  told you that he felt that you were “just used to him and don’t really love him”. During that time, without your knowledge, he looked into your computer records and found some photos and messages between you and ex boyfriends. He told you that those photos/ messages traumatized him and since then he’s been obsessing on these images and messages, tormented. Once in a while he attempts suicide or makes suicidal gestures, he was hospitalized and has been on various psychiatric drugs.

In August 16 thus year, he wanted to break up with you “because he is sick of himself for harming me emotionally”, and the other day, more than four months later, he wanted to break up with you again because “he’s harming me, himself, physical objects as well”.

You do not want to break up with him because you don’t want to  break with anybody, no matter who the man is. When you work, you need to know that there is a man there waiting for you, and when you are home, you need to know that there is someone there. Even though you’ve been depressed with him all along, you are afraid that without him, you will feel even worse (“suffering, mental breakdowns” and unable to focus), just like you felt in the past in between relationships. You are currently working many hours in a demanding full-time job and you need to focus.

In conclusion: I understand your fear about being broken up with and being more alone than you are now, suffering more. I understand the financial consideration, assuming he still pays some of the rent/ bills. I also understand that what keeps you together with him emotionally is not Love, but Fear. What attaches you to him is your need for Someone, no matter whom. What keeps him with you is guilt, not wanting to hurt you. He doesn’t want to be with you. He wants out of the relationship. Let him go, miyoid, give him the Out that he wants.

You wrote most recently: “I realize now that I am still dependent. Nothing has changed”- make this change: break up with a man for the first time in your life. You’ve never done it before, what a change this will be!

Break up with him responsibly way- plan the steps to make it happen and follow the plan. Part of the plan will need to be how you will survive the suffering that you expect to experience,  keeping and doing well  on your job. The two of you do not have to break up/ move out right away, you can decide on when to make it happen– a time (dependent on your job, etc.) that is less inconvenient for the two of you.

What do you think about my suggestion?

anita