Dear Anna:

I will summarize what you shared about this man and your relationship with him in July this year, and most recently, five months later, at the end of December:

His parents and your parents were friends, so you  know him from a young age, like a sibling. The two of you were not in touch for a long time until two years ago, when he broke up with his now ex-girlfriend and he talked to you about that breakup. The two of you live in different continents (U.S. and Germany) and met a few times in-person, before the pandemic.

In July the two of you talked “every single day from morning till night”, having 3-4 hours long video calls, sharing a lot with each other. He was your “most trusted person”, and he told you that he trusts you more than he trusts himself, that you are “the only person that he trusts the most”, that you are “the only person he shares all his secrets” with, that no one could replace you and that he is “grateful and blessed to have” you in his life.

You also shared that he was “hot and cold… very moody.. can seem to be hot and cold some days”, and when you think that he is interested in you at any one time, he talks/ behaves “totally opposite the next hour”.  Also, he “talked about some girls messaging him but he did not mention about him interested in them”.

Five months later, Dec 30, you shared that you still text every day from “good morning” to “good night” and video call at least once a week for an hour or more, “like the best of friends”. He still tells you that you are “the only person he trusts the most”, and he shares all his secrets with you, including “about his past and of all the girls he dated or slept with”, telling you “things like he doesn’t regret sleeping with so and so and in details. But he doesn’t talk about any girls he likes right now”.

Back in July, you felt that the friendship was “like a relationship but of no title”, you were “afraid to lose him”, your mind was “all over the place and confused”, and you wondered back then: “does he treat me like his best friend or a therapist of some sort? What am I to him?… Are we both falling for each other? Or it’s normal?”. In December, you asked again about the friendship/ relationship: “Is that normal? Or is he treating me like one of the guys?”

You wrote yesterday that you know that it is best “to ask him directly” if he likes you (as a girlfriend), but you want input before you ask him. You wrote: “I am scared to ruin our friendship or whatever we have. Hoping someone can help me clarify my doubts”.

My thoughts today: you asked a few times if this is normal. I believe you asked this because part of you feels that there is something abnormal about this friendship/ relationship, that something is not right-  and at this point, I am inclined to agree with you that something is not right here.

I believe I know what is happening on your part because you expressed it clearly: you feel very close to him and you want this friendship to become a.. normal/ traditional boyfriend-girlfriend (bf-gf) relationship, be it long-distance.

My best guess as to what is happening on his part is that (a) He is very lonely, spending a lot of time alone, and you are his main social-interaction. (b) He feels safe with you in the context of the long-distance texting/ calling/ video calls interactions as friends only. (c)He knows that you are interested in him as a bf, but he does not want to be your bf. (d) When he feels that you are becoming emotional, like a girlfriend would be- he turns cold toward you, securing the boundaries of a strictly-friendship relationship.

I think that he shares with you the details of his past sexual interest and experiences because he derives some emotional/ sexual pleasure from telling you those details, knowing that a woman who is interested in him as a bf is hearing those details, wishing she was the one to experience those sexual details with him.

I think that he does not tell you about current sexual/ romantic interest and experiences with other women because he is currently and has been for some time, very lonely, spending a lot of time alone, so he has no experiences to tell you about.

If he has had current romantic/ sexual interests in other women, I don’t think that he would tell you about those because he knows that you are interested in him as a bf, and he is afraid that if he tells you about current romantic/ sexual interests- you will withdraw from him.

I think/ guess that he wants to keep you interested in him as a bf so that you will continue to be excited and invested in the interactions with him, being an enthusiastic audience to his stories, etc., but he does not want to be your boyfriend. He is interested in a feature of a bf-gf relationship, not in a bf-gf relationship.

You are welcome to let me know what you think and feel about my thoughts this morning.

anita