Dear anita,

Happy new year!

Well, many things have happened since the last time I wrote here:

This guy N was on vacation, we follow each other in Instagram and the day before Christmas I saw a friend suggestion because of him, she was a escort kind of woman, I do not know why I opened her profile and her first story was her waking up and I could see N’s bad and shoes, which I knew are his because I drove him to the airport the day he left. Then there was one more story in which she was posing while N’s voice was telling her what to do. That day  I was very upset, angry, then sad…

Then on Christmas eve he sent me a text saying “Merry Christmas”, i replied “Merry Christmas”, then I did not know about him.

Last week i went to the beach because i was about to get crazy If I spent one more day in my apartment, he knew that and that I would return on Wednesday this week. So, on Wednesday he sent me a message asking if I needed a ride or something, I replied that i was fine. Then that night he offered to bring dinner and I was like: What should I do???!! Confusing!!

So, he came to my place and ordered some food, while we waited and during dinner we were talking about what we did during our vacation and blah.

Then after dinner I decided to ask, the first thing I asked was that I noticed that at the beginning he talked about plans and then suddenly he stoped and when he mentioned for example travel plans, he said I should do it by myself. To this he answered that he did not noticed or saw it that way. I did not believe him, I think something happened between the before and after, I just do not know what.

Then I mentioned about what I saw in Instagram, and he was honest, he said he was with that woman. I asked if that is something he usually does, he said that he was traveling with friends. I think he noticed me upset or something, and he said that he was sorry If I understood something else, but he considers himself single and that we are just getting to know each other, plus he already told me he does not want a long term relationship. I said something about safety and seeing other people, thinking about STIs, but starting this it became blurry in my mind…

Somehow what he told me, made sense to me, because as I mentioned before he had not mentioned anything about being boyfriend/girlfriend. But still, I felt like I deserved some kind of respect, if that makes sense.

That night was weird, because during the previous days I was planning on not seeing him again, but that night he stayed in my place and we had sex, but I was like a crazy person bitting him and just being crazy, until he said he really needed to sleep.

The next day he left because he was going to spend new year with his family that lives in another state…

After that i have been surprisingly calm, thinking (but not overthinking), but not getting upset or crying. I just do not know what I want, n one hand I really enjoy spending time with him, when we are together he is really nice and present. But on the other hand, every time we are not together I would think he is just fucking whoever he can, which at the end would be a torture for me.

I think I am scared of ending things…

Kay