Dear Lilyana:

Welcome to Tiny Buddha. Regarding your Posting on Tiny Buddha thread, I am a member here, just like you. I do know that not all posts are awaiting-moderation, just like you observed. The awaiting-moderation feature is an automatic feature that reacts to specific triggers, for example: if you copy material from another website into your post, it sometimes triggers this feature.

Regarding forum guidelines, they are listed under Forums at the top of the page, click Forums and you will see them.

Regarding this thread, you shared that your family “had a lot of issues”: your mother was depressed and attempted suicide, perhaps repeatedly (?), your father had anger problems, and your sister had mental disorders. During middle and high school, you were ostracized in school, and otherwise, you (and your family) were ostracized in your town as an immigrants who “didn’t look like any of the people who lived there”. As a result of all these severe experiences, you felt like “a sh** human being”, and you “used to bury a lot of sadness and anger”.

For college, you moved out of home into the college dorms a plane flight away.  During college, you felt lost and didn’t have close friends, but you gradually “became more emotionally aware… began to uncover a lot of past grievances and long overdue anger and sadness”. In college,  you met your first boyfriend: “He was the first person to ever show unconditional love”, he was honest, he heard you and “responded to anything and everything” you talked about, he guided you “about right and wrong”, and he made you feel like you weren’t alone anymore.

But at the same time, you felt too dependent on him, and being “an extremely ‘alpha’ person, he also tended to not always listen” to you, or take your opinion seriously, overshadowing you a lot.

In Feb 2020, you and your boyfriend experienced the first, temporary break. A month later, you were “kicked out of dorms and sent home”. Once you went home, you “began to be bothered by some of the old issues that led” to that first break from your boyfriend, and you broke up with him fight before the summer break of 2020.

At home, you were reminded of your childhood experience, and “problems began to arise”, you “became depressed… could barely function, couldn’t sleep, didn’t talk to anyone, didn’t go anywhere.. felt so empty”. You turned to alcohol to make yourself “feel something and to sleep”. You worked from home, having a summer job, and you tried online therapy, but “quit shortly due to lack of privacy at home and lack of connection to the therapists”.

Two months after the breakup, in August 2020, you and your boyfriend got back together. You felt better and decided to move out of your parents’ home and live with him and some other friends for the Fall semester. The day before your flight there, you “froze up again” and decided against the plan. You broke up again and you “decided to stay home”.

Throughout the Fall semester, the two of you talked on and off multiple times. When you didn’t talk to him, you became very depressed. You dropped many of your college commitment and classes and worried about graduating on time.

Around November, you were somewhat back together, and you felt better,  but shortly after you started “having doubts again”. The two of you considered moving into a 2-bedroom place in February 2021, in time for the Spring semester- as roommates, you staying in the living room area, using a room divider for privacy. But recently, you were unfriendly to him and he “became upset (maybe even angry), and he suggested maybe it’s best if he finds other living arrangements for the spring”. Most recently, he texted you that he found someone to take over his room in the apartment, if you still want to live there.

You asked: “Am I right to go ahead and have this other person take over his lease despite feeling this way? Is it still possible to try to build a friendship?”.

It took me a couple of hours to process and put together your story, as I just did. It will take a further back and forth communication between us to get to a better understanding of your current situation (if you are interested, of course). For now, I would suggest the following five suggestions:

1. I don’t think that you are ready at this time for a close friendship or a romantic relationship with your ex boyfriend (or with any other man), so I wouldn’t attempt a close friendship or a relationship with him, if I was you- not anytime very soon.

2. If the roommate he found to replace him in the 2-bedroom place is to your liking, if it is someone who will respect your privacy and will keep a minimal, polite, and respectful, strictly- roommate relationship with you, then I would take on that opportunity. (It would be much better if you had your own room instead of sharing the living room).

3. Make your academic studies your first priority.

4. It is very important that you don’t live in your parents’ home again, make that a very high priority.

5. You will need quality psychotherapy.

* There is a question in my mind regarding your ex boyfriend. If you would like to, please elaborate and give specific examples about his behaviors in regard to being an “extremely ‘alpha’ person”, tending to not take your opinions seriously, and tending to overshadow you. Also, can you explain what you meant by him guiding you “about right and wrong”?

anita