Dear Janet:

I will re-read and comment on what you shared so far:

“I am 24.. never had a boyfriend.. never even been kissed. I feel so ashamed that no one has ever found me attractive enough to be considered a romantic interest… Rarely did I look boys in the eyes“- you formed the conclusion that you didn’t have a boyfriend because no boy/ young man ever found you attractive, but this conclusion is probably untrue:  if you looked boys in the eyes, you could have seen that a few of them were attracted to you. You didn’t look in their eyes= you didn’t see their attraction to you.

“I don’t count some  old, creepy men that have hit on me and made me feel uncomfortable”- those old men didn’t care if you said No to them/ if you rejected them. Your rejection of them did not hurt their feelings, they simply went on to hit on another young woman. Most young men in high school and college do care about being rejected: they feel embarrassed and humiliated when rejected. When they see that you are not looking into their eyes/ smiling at them, etc., they figure that you are not interested, and that if they hit on you, you are likely to reject them. So they don’t try.

“people/ friends I went to high school with still presume that I’m single… Like it is obvious that.. I’m not fun enough or beautiful enough for someone to actually like me”- you formed another conclusion that is probably untrue: people assume that you are single simply because you were always single. People assume that what was always a certain way will continue to be that same way.

“Such comments always come from the same group of girls.. they look more attractive next to me. They always bragged about boys being obsessed with them… I see those girls, one in particular, being all smug and content that they are in long-term relationships and I’m not.. Those girls were also very mean and mocked people a lot.. I had such beautiful, perfect schoolmates around me that guys did not even pay attention to me”- and you didn’t pay attention to other girls who also did not belong to the popular-with-boys group of girls, including the girls who were mocked by the popular girls. I remember as a teenager, focusing on the popular girls and feeling like I was the only girl who was lonely and unpopular. If I paid attention to others who were like me, I could have had a few good friendships.

“all I’m left with are those who approach me because they want a one night stand or they’re drunk… however,.. not having one single boy interested in me”- it is not accurate that no boy showed interest in you then, a few did, but you assumed that they wanted a one-night stand with you. Maybe it wasn’t true for all of the guys who approached you.

“My parents were never affectionate with each other”- the message they sent: affection is a  bad thing, we do not allow it in our house!.. we do not allow it in our daughter’s life!

“boyfriends were not allowed”- the message they sent: having a boyfriend is a bad thing, we do not allow it in our house.. we do not allow in our daughter’s  life!

“We never talked about romantic feelings and we never, ever talked about sex or romance”- the message they sent: romance and sex are bad… we do not allow these things in our daughter’s life!

“I was always the responsible child… never had a ‘wild phase,’.. never dated.. got good grades.. never expressed my anger”- the opposite of wild is tamed. your anger as well as your other emotions were tamed, suppressed, subdued, pushed down.

“Other parents knew that I was responsible and told me to look after their children at parties”- parents trusted you because you were tamed, subdued, not one to get excitable and wild.

“people always came to me for advice, but never asked me how I was doing”- tamed, subdued, you appear calm. People assumed that being calm meant that you were feeling fine, and therefore, there was no reason to ask you how you were doing. Those who came to you for advice did so, I imagine, because they were troubled by something, and you appear calm/ untroubled (and intelligent), and they wanted your advice on how they too can be calm and untroubled in their circumstances.

“I crave hugs and kisses”- you feel that craving, it is not completely tamed.  I imagine that this craving does not show at all in your facial expressions and behaviors (?)

“it makes me feel like a failure”- you were and are a great success in the context of boyfriend, affection, romance and sex considering the messages your parents sent you: you perfectly materialized their messages: no boyfriend, no physical affection, no romance and no sex.

“I fat shame myself more than anyone else.. I definitely project energy that says I don’t feel worthy of love as a chubby girl”- objectively, some young men are not attracted to chubby girls, others are attracted to both, slim and chubby girls, and yet others prefer chubby girls. Regarding the energy you project- for some young men, in their minds, the energy you project is not about who you think you are (that you are not worthy of love), but who you think they are (that they are not worthy of .. your love). Just as you worry about being chubby, young men out there worry that they are not tall enough or muscular enough, or that they are too hairy, etc. Just as you are focused on your supposed faults, they are focused on theirs.

anita