Hi Anita,

It is great to hear from you. I’m really grateful for all the effort you put into replying to my post. It is very touching that you should do that for a person you don’t even know. Restores my faith in humanity. I hope you are safe and well.

I forgot to mention this but at the end of December 2017 was the first time I faced issues with my tummy. I ate some pasta my friend made (which had a lot of milk, mayo, cheese, and different ready-made sauces), and my tummy got all rumbly and painful and bloated. This was the start. I would get bloated and was in pain time and again, and I suspected I had become lactose intolerant. I started working out (power yoga and zumba) in January 2018. I’d go to the GP whenever I’d have an attack, who’d give me some meds that would settle my belly down and I would feel better for a couple of weeks. Then, it would happen again. I had to stop wearing jeans because of the discomfort. I was then referred to the gastroenterologist, who then gave me mebeverine for a month and said I should continue with my workouts. He didn’t say what was wrong with me then. I stopped dairy completely along with it, and was absolutely fine in a month.

The doc said I have little amounts of milk, which I do when I drink chai. I avoid vegetarian mayo and raw milk, which I know give me issues.

Then when the trouble started in 2019, the doc said I have functional dyspepsia, visceral hypersensitivity, and then IBS-C. What you said about the sensitivity of the neurons going up a few notches makes sense. I get startled easily and am very uncomfortable with loud sounds, especially those of vessels banging, doors slamming shut, and loud voices. While this makes sense, the thing is, if my belly gave me trouble say a couple days a month or say a once every while, I would be able to deal with it much better. But it is there “ALL THE TIME”. I haven’t had relief in a year and half. Because I’m not sure what will or will not give me trouble, I am terrified of eating at all. I have cut out certain foods, but it is affecting my health. I’m vegetarian. I have lost a lot of weight and am rather skinny now and my hair has become thin and sparse too. I eat smaller portions or food because I get full real fast and my belly already is so heavy.

My IBS is what makes me the most anxious, just like you said. It is a loop. It is affecting me psychologically. My self-esteem and confidence is on an all time low, with me constantly thinking “No, I can’t do this. My belly is too heavy.” for even simple chores like doing the laundry. This gets me very depressed, as I mentioned earlier, I used to be a very active person, getting things done. I love cooking and baking, but I don’t do it much now because of the discomfort. I keep thinking I can’t do anything. It has made me sluggish and lazy, and even simple tasks seem mean feats for me. I wonder how I will ever survive, let alone thrive, in my life if I can’t even take care of myself and just want to lie down. I am unable to concentrate and it is affecting my work; even though I manage my work, I don’t do it as well as I used to and am afraid I’ll be fired. I wanna change jobs now, but this whole thought loop starts again. I am afraid of wearing whatever I want for the fear of getting bloated. I already have poor body image issues, especially when it comes to my belly, and looking pregnant and feeling heavy does not help that.

When it comes to my mother, yes we have a toxic relationship. One of us is yelling at the other one some or the other time, and I may just be as guilty of psychologically abusing her. I hate yelling at her. I just hate it. But I can’t help it; she makes me so mad. She does things she knows infuriate me, even when I tell her not to do it. I know I should manage my anger better, but I simply can’t help it. In the lockdown, I managed to convey to her how she affects me in a negative way. It has helped a bit and she now realizes that some of her behaviours towards me are not healthy. That’s a start I guess.

For now, it helps when I sleep on my back or belly. I do certain yoga poses that help. I drink a fair amount of peppermint tea, which helps a bit. About your advice as to relaxing myself, I can’t seem to. I really don’t know how except for exercising. My psychiatrist had told me years ago to incorporate things I like to do in my schedule. Maybe I could try that. It’s just… overwhelming, and like I said earlier, I do not look forward to life and wonder if life only means every day to be full of discomfort and pain and self-doubt. I’m not going to hurt myself, so don’t worry. But it’s just… I did not sign up for so much pain. It is difficult for me to manage my anxiety and manage all the pain and discomfort. It takes super-human strength to deal with everything together and I am simply too tired.

I reckon I should speak with another doctor, get a second opinion. Maybe they could provide some different treatment that could help me. About moving out, it doesn’t seem like a doable thing right now. What would I tell mom? How would I manage? Like I mentioned earlier, I am barely managing my chores. Biggest thing, I can’t afford it till I can change jobs and earn better…

I look forward to hearing from you again. Your words always bring me peace.

Stay safe…