Dear B,

Sorry for not seeing your post earlier! There are a lot of similarities between our relationships and they way we responded. I see a lot of myself in your narrative. The self doubt, the overanalyzing…”if I had only done X, maybe then he would notice my efforts and reciprocate with Z”. What I can tell you is that this type of thinking has pushed my buttons to the extent that a conversation with him post break up would make me stressed and anxious and I would get physically sick-migrains, immune reactions, out of nowhere. Yes these things are real. The problem is that I was analyzing the wrong person, I placed the focus on why I was not enough for him, instead of why he was not enough for me (I know that this sounds like a sentence from some self help book but bare with me please).

If your relationship was anything similar to mine (which I think it was), your needs were not met! Your need for emotional intimacy, a dialog where you can safely express who you are and what you want and need, to feel safe and seen…all of normal things that EVERYONE needs (emphasizing EVERYONE because I got into the hole of thinking that I am too needy and therefore it is not working out), all of those things were not met in this relationship. On top of it, competing with a mystery woman that could in theory fulfill all of his needs. He grew up in a culture where women have to sacrifice and meet the needs of men. I am still laughing about his parents comments when they met on me Skype, they said”ok, she is tall, white and very pretty, children will be good, get married”….they never spoke with me. He was/is selfish! YOU NEED BETTER and YOU ARE ALLOWED AND DESERVE MORE.

I was emotionally burnt out for caring for him and adapting to his every need hoping he will one day reciprocate. I knew this was not healthy but I was too co dependent to stop it, some crumbs of love were better than ZERO. One day sitting in a dark room with my migrain, holding my phone waiting anxiously for his text (that never came), I knew that I am done!  I have no more resources for this person. I asked myself if this happened to my best friend, what would I tell her to do…then I took charge over the situation; I restricted him from my social media…well everything besides texts (this is because I must maintain one line open since my name is on his lease for few more months)…BUT when he is lonely, drunk, needy …(fill in the blanks) I see the texts but I do not respond, and I take pride for every time I managed to not respond, until his texts become like random spam.

You might think, oh but I invested so much here and what if he finds someone else. Cut your losses, allow him to be someone elses problem. In his culture divorce is rare, even if there is emotional and physical abuse because marriage is a joining of families and family resources and the individual doesnt matter as long it meets the goal of the family to keep up the family name and children are being produced. They have the lowest divorce rate and pride themselves for it. Dont get me wrong, there are a lot of good things in there too, like not leaving when things get tough, the whole family cares for you and your children..but then there are layers of problems too. It is just a different concept.

B! You are a beautiful, worthy person! YOU ARE ENOUGH!  I am a stranger and I care for you and other people on this forum too. I know it hurts now, but take  your belongings and take place in the driver seat and drive away from this person. You and your children do not deserve crumbs of love.  Imagine a life with him where you would have to sacrifice your and your childrens needs to meet his, daily…and he might even cheat…you would burn out my friend. Some women cant get out but you can, you have been given a new chance, take it.

all my love to you.