Dear Anita,

No, no. My statement about possibly “dodging a painful bullet” had nothing to do with her or her character. What is that Hemingway quote? “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” She journals and has attended therapy for some time. From the impression and the discussions we’ve had, she wants to live a long, happy, and fulfilling life, free from burden as much as is possible. Which makes the possible/probable excessive alcohol consumption a peculiar trait. It certainly seems like a crutch or something that she believes helps her through her days.

I suppose what I meant by the “real” her was that, while she was forthcoming about her eating disorder, divorce, etc. from our first “date,” I never felt like I got to know her beyond what she wanted to share with me. She mentioned that she was dealing with something a few weeks ago late at night, and was going to call me, “but didn’t want me to see her like that.” She was a “crying, sloppy mess.” It turns that one of her ex’s–someone she tried to help with his drug addiction often but finally had to cut loose as a friend last year–had been arrested and will likely spend the rest of his life incarcerated. The had what became a contentious relationship as he slipped further into his meth addiction, and they finally ended things. (I believe this was an ex-boyfriend before she was married.) Anyway, she was handling his arrest, but she kept getting messages and calls from friends and it wore her down. So, she ended up calling an old friend and he came by to talk to her for a while.

I wasn’t really bothered by her not contacting me, as it would have been a 1AM phone call, but it did bother me a bit that she did not want me to see this side of her. It’s likely our friendship/relationship was too new, and she was not ready to let down that wall. It was just another example of her only allowing me to see what she wanted me to. While we had chemistry and a good cursory relationship, I never truly felt as though there might be something there for her too until the cabin trip 2-weeks ago. But maybe all it was for her was the fact that I am a nice man who treats her well, and someone she feels safe with and enjoys her time with. There was a physical attraction too, but she did not feel anything deeper for me, and the weekend away permitted her to dip her toes in the water further offshore, but when we returned and reality set in, she released that we needed to stay on the shore.

Tried to avoid the use of a metaphor but I struggled with explaining this clearly, Anita.

Ryan