Dear xlea:

In June 2018 you complained of feeling stressed, eating excessively, experiencing panic attacks, headaches and giddiness (which I think you meant dizziness, a feeling of being unbalanced or lightheaded), wanting to cry and “then suddenly not feeling anything at all.. emotions cut off so abruptly”.

Five months later, in November 2018, you shared that you took big exams, had “many more projects.. to work on”, and that your “social life and studies.. has not been going the best”. A girl told you at the time that she likes you but you cried and kept thinking: “I am worthless”, surprised that this thought occurred to you. You wrote: “in general anything that has to do with liking someone romantically puts me in a really depressed state”, even though you “have had no bad dating experience or witnessed bad dating experiences”.

A year and three months later, February 2020, you shared that you “got diagnosed with depression and anxiety”, that you were staying “at home everyday studying for my examinations to enter university”, and that you refused to leave your house because of your anxiety and because of “the new virus COVID”. “I stay at home without exercise.. constantly contemplate about my friends moving ahead in life. I contemplate my future.. reminiscing toxic relationships I had in the past year. I have cut all social communication except with my family.. I am bored and I can’t sleep at night”.

Four months later, in June 2020, you shared that it’s been a month of being off anti-depressants, that you feel “lazy again.. angry again”, and that you “want to become a bad person.. to make people’s lives miserable.. like there’s only me in this world”, that you want to start drinking, doing drugs, tattoo your face, “I want to not care. I want people to attend to all my needs.. I want to be the bad guy”.

Eight months later, February 2021, you shared you shared the following: (1)  you experience “tormented sleep”, “faking being okay”, and feeling guilty, (2) you are “unable to even do the simplest task like applying to college”, (3) you completely isolated yourself, “not texting or talking to any friends” and avoiding your family, “pushing them away”, (4) you went through “multiple suicide phases.. tried to hang myself but .. the rope being too short”, (5) you are on meds again, (6) you see a psychologist weekly, (7) “no one can truly understand but judge”.

You asked: “I am stuck. Is it because I am not trying hard enough? Will my depression go away if I try hard enough?.. Do we use the mind power/ our will to get out of depression? If we take medication, our cold disappears. You don’t need will power to recover from a cold. Then with depression, shouldn’t it be the same? Do you need willpower to get out of depression? If so, how is depression considered illness anymore?”

My answers: based on reading what you shared over the years, my best understanding today is that the reason you are depressed is that in your life so far, you did not do what you wanted to do, but what your parents/ family/ society wants you to do. You found yourself working hard, but not for what you want. The big exams and projects you took on- you didn’t want to take them on.

A big part of you is rebelling against a life which you live for others by refusing to do what others want you to do (study, apply to college, etc.)

In June 2020, you wanted to “become a bad person.. like there’s only me in this world“- you were taught that for you to be a good person, you must do what your parents/ family wants you to do, as if .. your family mattered, but you did not; as if your family was worthy but you were worthless; as if , there’s only them in this world, and you did not exist.

It is not that you are lazy- you are a rebel, a misguided rebel (wanting to start drinking, do drugs, tattoo your face,  etc.), but a rebel nonetheless. You “want to not care” about your family’s expectations because you cared too much, so much that your life became theirs.

You need your life back, you need to be the guiding force in your life.  You will not be “the bad guy” for taking your life back, you will be a good guy for doing so!

Your depression will be helped if you exercise daily, if you go out of your house, if you socialize with others, if you get quality counseling.. maybe medications will help, but ultimately, you need to live as if your life is your own.. because it is.

anita