Dear Nar:

Before I get to the OCD/separation anxiety topic, two quick comments on the beginning of your recent post: (1) “I know for a fact many times I am consciously not aware at the point when I use hurtful language towards my partner”- I understand the power of the urge to say hurtful things to your partner, but if your partner reacted aggressively to your use of hurtful language, if he/she hit you badly, let’s say (he shouldn’t, of course), you would not have dared to use hurtful language against him again.

(2) “I don’t remember any of the personal problems of the girl I was”- but you do remember the OCD in early childhood, and you remember the silent treatments by your mother early on, don’t you (?)

And now, to the OCD and separation anxiety topic: “my OCD issues.. I certainly experienced separation anxiety as well multiple times in my life. Firstly, it was when I left my home at 17.. this makes sense why my OCD started or became apparent after 20. I think I had it as a kid but the separation anxiety just exasperated it”-

– I think that you experienced separation anxiety way earlier than 17: “what she did and still does- she gives us ‘silent treatment’ and withdrawal“(Feb 8).

Silence and Withdrawal= Separation.

When the mother of a young child stops responding to the child, regardless of the child’s efforts to get the mother to respond, the child panics. For the mother it may not seem so terrible to go silent for an hour, let’s say, but for the child, that hour feels like forever.

“my OCD started or became apparent after 20”- no, your OCD started and became apparent when you were a child: “my OCD issues in my childhood… My OCD takes many forms and it has been part of me since I was a kid. Hair picking, hand washing, sanitising, negative thinking patterns” (Feb 5).

*Also, your intense anger started and became apparent when you were younger than 10: “when my grandmother passed away.. I was a 10 yr old kid…I stayed alone with her at home during the day, she would ask me to make her tea or help her out, but I didn’t care to help.. I was this cruel kid” (Feb 8)- you were a very angry kid: your parents were at work, you were alone with your needy grandmother, and you didn’t want to be bothered with her. I think that you wanted to enjoy being alone, having a break perhaps from your mother.

“Could it be that obsessive thinking is actually an escape? Escape from dealing with the painful situation or the actual problem? So the mind finds other things to keep itself busy”-

– I think that OCD happens this way, and I will use the situation of a mother giving her child the silent treatment as an example: the child’s  mother looks angry, turns away from the child, the child says: Mom! Mom! What happened? – she doesn’t answer. The child goes after her, pulling her shirt, Mom! Mom! She angrily pushes her child’s hand away from her. The child, tears in her eyes, says: but Mom!!! The mother does not respond and goes to her room, closing the door.

The child, left alone, shocked, hurt, scared, starts thinking: what happened? The child is thinking because there is a problem to be solved: her mother is gone and the child needs her mother back. She thinks: maybe mom is angry because I did something bad, what is it… she scans her behavior in her mind.. what did I do wrong.. and what can I do to get her back???

Fast forward, the mother again talks to the child, feeds the child, smiles at the child.. the child relaxes, but fast forward, there it is again, another silent treatment, and the child thinks again: what happened, what did I do wrong, etc., etc. Over time, as the Problem does not get Resolved, the child is left thinking a whole lot and never arriving at a solution. With no logical explanation to her mother’s behavior, the child resorts to magical thinking: if I wash my hands, if I sanitize my hands, I will be a good girl and my mother will talk with me again, etc.

Fast forward, the child is now an adult, she still thinks a lot, but she thinks away from emotional pain, she does not want to feel the pain she felt early on when her mother withdrew from her, so she thinks in circles, not committing to anything, saying things like, “my OCD started or became apparent after 20”, forgetting that her OCD started when she was a kid. And then, right after the above quote, continues to say: “I think I had it as a kid”.

Well, did you have OCD as a kid or did your OCD start when you were 20?

Notice this: you are very intelligent, but your thinking is not serving you well when what you know, you forget, then you remember.. then forget again. You need to commit to what you know is true, and take it from there.

anita