Dear Jane:

Because you want a relationship, and you don’t want it at the same time (afraid of having a bad relationship), here is what I suggest: do not aim at having a relationship with a man. Instead, aim at getting to know a man as a candidate for a relationship.

When an employer aims at employing a person in his/ her company, the employer does not accept just anyone who shows up; the employer gets to know a candidate through one or a series of interviews, asking questions, requesting paper work, checking the person’s criminal record history, and other records. Similarly, you can “interview” a potential candidate for a relationship

Let’s look at four things you are worried about in regard to a candidate for a romantic relationship and what you can do about it:

1. You are worried that the man will be “strange.. much older and very vulgar”- that’s easy and quick to determine in one interview: if a man acts strange, is much older and/ or is vulgar, he has failed the interview process in the first five minutes of the interview, or less.

2. You are worried that the man will not respect your privacy and will spill the beans in regard to your body and sex life to other people: during an interview, or a series of interviews, listen to the man, does he criticize his ex-girlfriends’ bodies to you? Does he share about the sex life he had with them? When you ask him about his past relationships (and do ask!), does he answer with an attitude of respect for the privacy of his ex-girlfriends, or not? When the two of you are around people, such as in a restaurant, does he criticize other people’s bodies (waitresses, other guests) to you?

3. You are worried that the man will be a psychopath and create trouble if you want to leave him, threatening to hurt himself if you leave him: in between interviews with a particular candidate, does he call you at night-time repeatedly, interrupting your sleep? Does he stalk you in any way? Does he mention any stalking behavior on his part when sharing about a previous relationship? Checking the man’s criminal history can also be part of the interviewing process.

4. You are worried that the man will not care about your or his self-development: ask him questions. Mention to him a person you believes cares about his or her self-development and listen to his reaction: he is more likely to criticize a third person in your presence than to criticize you, in your presence.

What do you think about my suggestions?

anita