Dear Anita,

you are probably right. I am afraid of being in a relationship because I love my freedom too much and I really do not want to stress any more than I naturally do about things. At the same time, I am ashamed (in front of others, especially my ex-classmates and ex-friends) that no one finds me beautiful enough or partner-worthy.

“let’s look at your fear of your father. You wrote earlier: “I was afraid of him for most of my childhood and teenage years”- will you elaborate on this sentence, more than you did before?” – My father is very traditional, kinda conservative. He has always been very strict and serious (although much less now that I am an adult). He loses his temper quickly, but he never raised a hand on us. He had to work very hard since he was a child (he is very much a workaholic) and he wanted his children to be hard workers too. So his behavior affected me more on that level – make as few mistakes as you can. Before going to college, I was not afraid of men. It was in college that I encountered strange men and my friends who were telling me their bad relationship stories. It was scary to see that 90% of people in relationships (at least people I knew) were unhappy or afraid because their partner was controlling or abusive in some way. Girls especially were faced with infections, herpes, always going to the gynecologist because their partners were cheating on them or refused to wear a condom. Girls were limited in who they could hang out with and every time I was having coffee with a friend, her partner would text her a million times asking where she is and with who.  They were/are constantly worried about what they look like because their partners criticize their bodies even though they have perfect figures and for the life of me I cannot figure out who could criticize someone who looks like a Victoria’s Secret model. Men’s standards are so high and I don’t want to stress myself out always wondering whether I’m good enough or not.. I don’t want to be controlled, I don’t want to spend hours on the phone every day reporting where I am or who I’m with. My fear is that my partner would change once we were together long enough for him to manipulate me without me even knowing. If people knew right away that someone is controlling and abusive, they would not date that person in the first place, yet there are so many bad people in relationships because they are good at pretending to be kind and respectful.  I rarely see signs of manipulative friends right away (I usually see them when I’m deep into people-pleasing them), so I I’m too afarid too even try with a romantic partner.

I hope what I wrote makes some sense. 🙂