Hi Anita,

I am doing a bit better. I had a second MRI today, and talked to my doctor. It’s too soon to have any results, but we are pretty confident that my cognitive problems are due to my long-term depression. He said that if that’s what’s happened, my brain can heal. It might take a long time, but I might get better if I can get my depression under control.

I have been trying to reach out to people more, friends, my father, and especially my sister. I have let people in on what’s going on with me. I am actually feeling right now like the depression attacking my brain was the best way to get my attention and say: “YOU ARE NOT OK”. It feels like a giant wake-up call, one that I am hoping is the first in a series of steps that leads to a happier and more peaceful me. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, and I still have all my bad habits, though I am working on reducing my substance use. I know it will be hard, but all I can do is push forward.

My son seems depressed to me. He keeps saying that life sucks and that more bad things happen than good things. I am worried about him. But he is talking to me about it, and last night he said I helped him, which made us both feel good. We are in family therapy to help heal the fractured connection we formed after my traumatic birth, and I am hopeful that if I get better, it will have a positive impact on him too.

So I came here for hope, and I found it. My struggles aren’t over, but they don’t feel insurmountable anymore. My sister suffered a terrible trauma 5 years ago, and things looked very dark. But she took a long series of very small steps, and now she is flourishing. I am hoping that with support I can get there too.

I find also that I am thinking more and more about ending my marriage. Now is not the time to make big decisions, and I am committed to trying to make things better with my husband. I would like for my son to grow up living with both his parents. But the reality is dawning on me that it is possible that no amount of therapy and talking will make my husband capable of giving me the love and support that I crave. I don’t blame him for how he is, it has to do with his own old wounds from childhood, and I empathize with him. But at some point I will have to decide whether I can accept a relationship in which I feel unsupported. I believe that before I can make that decision, though, I have to learn to support myself and surround myself with other people who love me. I admire my husband a lot, and I think we make a good team. I would ideally like to stay together. I just won’t know if that’s possible for a while.

Thank you for checking in on me, Anita. It is greatly appreciated

I hope you are doing well.

Ilyana