I want to share again.

I had therapy today. During my session, we did a visualization in which I held little girl me in my arms, told her what she needed to hear, and flew around our history and future together. When I was done, I wrote her a short letter telling her that it wasn’t her fault, and that her daddy did love her. It was very powerful.

I am feeling optimistic today. I have so many steps to take, but the journey has started. Big and little me will travel together to the mountain, and we will get over it to a happier life. I feel like I can sustain belief in this image if I keep taking steps.

I want to keep reaching out to the people around me, and I want to be able to sit with the discomfort of having my marriage be a question mark. My instinct is just to leave, but I know that the way to manage future regret is to see how a happier me feels in the relationship. If future me doesn’t think she can stay and be happy, she will leave. But present me just can’t know.

I am feeling almost grateful for the cognitive problems I am having, even if they are not reversible. The only thing I valued about myself was my intellect. The only way to get through to me and push me to make changes was to threaten it. Of course it might be that something more serious is going on than I understand. Maybe it is even something that will kill me. But even if that’s the case, maybe especially if that’s the case, my new goal of a contented life is worth pursuing.

Thank you both again for your support. It is very meaningful to me.

Ilyana