Dear Anita, good evening.
How’s it that you always light up things for me so perfectly? I’m gonna answer to your observations one by one, those I found strung a chord in me the most. Sorry for my late reply, this week has been like working in an 18th century factory, time wise…

(*) Your high intelligence is evident when you post in your threads, but in the context of an ongoing emotional interpersonal situation,  your otherwise fine intelligence is no longer available to you. To act intelligently in an emotional interpersonal situation, a person needs adequate access to one’s emotions, so to be guided by those emotions (and by logic). Without access to your emotions, you had no guidance and you were therefore lost. Lost, you mindlessly, and inappropriately, resorted to your habit: being polite to a person who was just cruel to you.

— I thank you for finding intelligence in me. And if it doesn’t sounds like boasting, or the wrong way, I too think I’m intelligence and that’s why in part, I’m always so confused about my actions and beliefs. They simply don’t match with what I understand to be right. They are “fruits” of that emotional oppression and suppression and they have nothing to do with my authentic self. I fear emotions too much maybe. It’s not the end of the world to “feel”. Whatever one may feel. And others feeling shouldn’t worry me so much. I’m not letting go of my empathy but it has to be regulated. It’s becoming a bit toooo much.

(*) When you did express something your parents considered a problem, sometimes they dismissed you with compliments, such as (1) saying that you are beautiful, and therefore you shouldn’t have any problems, or (2) calling you “the survivor, the fighter, the logical one and the sweetness of their lives”, and in so stating, suggesting that you don’t need their help to survive or to make sense of life, and that you should forever remain the sweetness of their lives, giving them no taste of bitterness- no problems, no drama.

— That’s it! That’s exactly what I was trying to communicate all my life! Perfections, imperfections, they have nothing to do with the reality of living and having problems. White teeth and green eyes won’t cure my inhibitions or anxiety. Talent and blonde hair won’t help my OCD or my broken heart and even fighters die someday. There’s always something stronger than you.

* Your father used his anger to mute you. Your mother used her fear of your father’s anger to mute you.

— Yeah, it makes sense. They wanted dolls not children. They were too young to take on the responsibility of growing up children and lacked the communication skills. They were and still are loving, giving and caring, but at the same time, how can a 24 year old mother and 27 year old father know how to act with their emotions, let alone teach that to their kids? For me at least that’s one of the reasons I think kids and marriage should come when your ready to confront and manage your core emotions, especially anger, fear and stress. Ironically my dad thinks one should become a parent as early as possible in order to have the strength to support a child physically. But the younger you are, the less strong you are emotionally, in my humble opinion. Let me know what you think on this.

(*) To have healthy friendships and relationships, you need to take on, and adhere to the very long, skillful process of un-muting yourself. You wrote: “I always stand up for the oppressed and those being mistreated with fierce passion”- un-muting yourself skillfully, patiently, over time, with some professional, quality help, will be you standing up for the muted oppressed/mistreated you with fierce passion.

— How do I start doing this? How can I finally be strong enough not to worry about what others think of me? I would use professional help, but I’m in the process of searching for a good psychoanalyst/new therapist right now. My old therapist helped me a lot but with OCD but she lacks the skills to help me with handling my relationships with other people and she didn’t help me at all with my family issues or confidence matters. She wants to do CBT for everything even though we both see, besides treating the OCD, it’s not working for me at all.

*One more thing, I think that the reason you were sexually attracted to your first boyfriend’s expressed anger/ rage during sex was because your sister’s rage was powerful in a very attractive way: it was rewarded by your parents, resulting in their Attention, attention that you did not receive. Therefore, you perceives anger as something attractive/ rewarding. You wanted the attention she got, you wanted to express your anger like she did.. but your anger was muted, not allowed. Witnessing anger sexually, expressed at your body, was extremely .. well, rewarding.

— I do think you are right on this one as well. Ever since I became a little tiny bit more confident and worked on my OCD and other matters, this sexual tendencies and preferences stopped. They are no longer appealing to me and in fact I have NO IDEA what was I thinking back then… or better yet, now I know. I often have nightmares about my sex life with my ex. It haunts me how much I’ve put up with. I am sad about how much I’ve mistreated myself and for the fact that I let so many people go under my skin and control me like a puppet. I’m hoping to explore myself more and understand what my real self wants and needs.

Do let me know if you have any more insights. It always lbrings a smile to my face talking with you. I deeply appreciate being listened to.   ❤