Dear TeaK,

Your explanations completely resonate with my experience and I’m truly glad and relieved to understand that other people get my “point” since my environment never seems to get it.

Your current biggest problem seems to be expectations – mostly parental and societal – around getting married and having children. You’ve been hearing from your parents that you should get married early, by 30 at latest, because after that no one will want you and you’ll die alone. This was drilled into your mind since the early age, and as the years progress, it’s making you more and more nervous, not just that you’ll disappoint your parents, but also that they may be right – that this grim destiny is awaiting you unless you do as they say…

My thoughts exactly! It was drilled inside my brain, my soul, and my subconscious as well. I often have nightmares about ending up really old and alone, or being 45 and still childless. The most painful part of what you said is the realization that they may actually be right, that I do have to hurry, otherwise there’s a high chance this might come true. What’s even more painful is hearing them criticizing people’s lives, especially single women’s choices. And even though they now realize it’s not the 80s anymore, that relationships are harder to create and maintain, and that I am still too young to settle down, I still believe they only say it out of compassion for me, with pain in their hearts.

The antidote to that is to tell yourself that you’re young and you’ve got time till at least 35 to have your first child, because your body is capable of that without problems. You’ve got many years in front of you to fall in love with a proper guy and start a family. It’s your life and your decisions. You don’t want to rush into marriage with someone only to see it break down a year later. You want the best for yourself – so no settling for less.

Again, I agree with you. I know women that got married at 36, 38, 41 and still had kids and wonderful, strong marriages. On the flip side, many of the young people in my circle that got married young, are already divorced, separated, or cheat. If I’m ever to get married, I want it to be forever, to my best friend, my soul’s companion. Not just to a guy I feel obliged to marry because we are closing on 30+ and are together for 4 years.

One more thing that makes me uncomfortable though, is that I told my ex that I wanted to be married by 27 – 28 and that was the official reason for our break up (others became apparent to me later). Since that’s not happening, I feel so bad for not doing as I said. In my eyes it’s him telling me “I told you so” and it drives me crazy. How do I deal with that?

Have you worked with that in therapy? Have you allowed yourself to feel and express all emotions, including the “negative” ones? Because that would be the first step to reclaiming your life, emotion by emotion, life experience by life experience… 

No. At least not to the extent that I hoped. My therapist was way too much stuck on the idea of CBT that she was blinded to the fact that it is not a remedy for all my problems. We tried CBT for my confidence issues and it didn’t help one bit. My own work and dedication helped me with this one. As far as experiencing all my emotions and my family issues she was always postponing addressing them, regardless of me expressing how they are affecting my well-being. I got really tired of her methods that I stopped therapy last February. Now I’m taking a break from therapy until I find a new one, preferably one that will enlighten hidden aspects of myself. She never did that. I think a therapist should, alongside guiding you to deal with your situation, also diagnose and bring stuff to light for you.

If you’re denied the right to make mistakes, it’s almost like you’re denied the right to be human, to learn from your own mistakes. Combine that with your parents denying you to express the full spectrum of emotions, including the negative ones – and you’re in a double bind.

Because you can’t know what you want if you’re cut off from your spontaneous impulses and emotions that were unacceptable to your parents. It’s like your internal compass was disabled… With that, you’re even more terrified to make mistakes.

YES! YES! YES AND YES! Impulsiveness & spontaneity are core elements of myself, my identity. I was denied them. I was told to always fear things turning bad, not as I hoped, and to always have a plan B. There were also the plans/ decisions that my parents would deem irreversible (*insert eternal suffering in guilt and catastrophic outcome*). Sometimes, that’s good advice, but why, even if I regret one thing, that that would mean suffering from guilt? Why does it have to consume me? Example: getting a tattoo. For sure I might regret it. But even if I do, I might say it out loud, sigh, cry AT WORST, and then I would live with it. IN PEACE. Why do they have to make such a big deal out of freaking mistakes? Why can’t I live to regret my decisions? Why can’t I make mistakes? Stupid and silly ones? Even big ones? Why do I always HAVE TO take their advice? Why do they always have to GIVE ME ADVICE? Why do they always have to run and PROTECT ME? Why do they always have to STRESS ABOUT MY FAILURES or POTENTIAL danger, regret, etc? Why do they have to patronize me? Why do they always have to say I KNEW IT, I COULD SEE IT COMING, YOU NEVER LISTEN, I TOLD YOU SO, YOU ARE SO STUBBORN YOU SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME? I don’t wanna listen! I don’t like them planning my every move, my life! I never asked for a GPS! Wasn’t born with one!

Sorry for the capslock. It’s just that I felt so angry with them. Especially my dad. This is what I have to put up with every single time I’m about to make a decision, whether it is buying a car, dating someone, ordering take-out of FOR GOD’S SAKE spilling water on the freaking table. CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL. So unbearably controlling.

I hope I didn’t ramble too much. But I feel safe here. It’s my healing “resort”.