Dear ninibee:

I was curious so I looked at the post of Nov 9, 2019 that I asked you about, from your thread Can’t commit to life (the bold feature is my addition): “I imagine if I did have a fantasy mother around, I would feel as if I was living my life for her/ she would give my life meaning… I have heard other people say their mother is their number-one driving force in their life. A guy I met told me that his mother is what keeps him in school and keeps him from doing self-destructive things because he loves and never want to disappoint her. He told me that seeing her love for him.. made him value his own life“-

– I didn’t understand then but because of your explanation today, I understand now: in the thread Can’t commit to life, you talked about how you can’t commit to college, not doing the school work, dropping out of classes, not unpacking the boxes in your apartment, not making it look nice, etc. In the paragraph I quoted above, you were saying that maybe if you had a mother who loved you, her love for you would have done the following for you: give your life value,  be your number-one driving force, keep you in school, keep you from doing self-destructive things (the shameful things you did not detail, I imagine) motivate you to unpack the boxes, decorating your apartment and so forth.

I realized a short while ago that I missed the first post you submitted on April 11. You wrote there that you related to how I described my experience with shame and shameful acts, and that it is hard for you to remember things from your childhood. “If my mom was putting her shame onto me as a child, it was definitely done in a way that is hard to pinpoint. Or maybe it is clear but I am not able to see it”.

A day later you did see it, not by remember your own childhood, but by remembering the way your mother behaved with other people’s babies, By observing her, you were able to “sense her nervousness and discomfort. She seems very unnatural with a baby”, and I agree with your assumption: “I assume it would’ve been the same when I was a baby… I was an icky and unpredictable object to her”-

-yes, this is it how she inserted great shame into you, by the nervous, uncomfortable, unnatural ways that she touched you, held you, changed your diapers, dressed you, fed you, how she reacted to you crying and to whatever it is that you/ babies do.

More thoughts about what I put together in this post, tomorrow morning.

anita