I am really struggling today. My son had a hard day yesterday. He kept saying that life sucks and that he wishes he’d never been born. I feel so responsible for the dark thoughts he has. I know I do not provide a loving, nurturing environment for him. I just don’t know how. We are working with a family therapist, and she has some ideas for how we can improve our connection, so I am hoping that will help.

I am also very worried about my cognition. I think I have seen some improvement, but I don’t trust myself enough to believe that it’s real.

I feel like a terrible person, a terrible mother, a terrible wife, a terrible sister. I feel like if I were gone, no one would miss me and my son and husband would be better off without me. I know these are dark depressed thoughts, and I am trying to notice them and allow them to pass through my head without grabbing hold of them and ruminating on them all day. But I feel so sad, and the thoughts are so compelling. I’m not having suicidal thoughts, but I am having thoughts about wishing I would just die. I feel like I’ve ruined myself, like I’m broken and can’t be fixed. It feels like it’s my fault that I suffer, that if I had been stronger and shown some resilience I would have been able to overcome my traumas and my challenges.

Most of all, I feel completely impotent. I can see a long list of changes that I could make to be happier and healthier. I could spend more time with my son, I could stop using substances, I could exercise, eat better, meditate… But everything is so overwhelming. I can’t even keep my house from looking like a chaotic, cluttered mess.

I know I have taken steps, and that I have to have patience and compassion for myself. But those things feel so out of reach right now.

Thank you for reading this.

Ilyana