Dear tranquility_17:

You shared that when you met your boyfriend of 3.5 years, in the U.S., the two of you had good jobs and active lifestyles outside of work. About two years into the relationship, in March 2020, according to a plan you had, the two of you quit your jobs, sold everything including your cars and houses, and were about to move to his home country, South Africa, for about a year, and travel. But “COVID shut down the world”, and South Africa closed its borders.

Although you quit your job, your employer allowed you to return to work on a month to month, remote basis. You were able to work while the two of you traveled within the U.S. He started trading stocks, working when he needed money, and has been able to financially support himself. After the travel, you returned to the state where you met and moved in together. The two of you currently work from home, and you are troubled (“being annoyed.. eating at me”) about his relaxed approach to life and laid back lifestyle, by the “lack of purpose in his day to day.. He gets up in the morning, surfs, trades stocks, cooks meals, helps around the house, etc… just hanging out all day”, while your days are packed with a demanding job, an online course, a few workout clubs, growing in your career, “being busy and challenged.. always striving for more, more, more”.

You are thinking about having kids with him, but you “want to have kids with someone that has a deep work ethic and sets that example… any advice or perspectives, or questions are welcome”-

You wrote: “we are very compatible and happy”- not very compatible, and you are not happy. It may that you manage your anxiety by keeping yourself very busy, “striving for more,  more, more”, while he manages his anxiety by leading a laid back life style. Sounds like he is not troubled by your busy life style (?), but you are bothered by his laid back lifestyle.

Question: when growing up, did your parents lead very busy lives and were critical of other people (people in the extended family, friends, neighbors, or strangers) who were laid back.. or was one of your parents busy and critical of the other who was laid back.. any such thing?

anita