Good evening dear TeaK!

Once more I am so sorry for my late reply, but my day has 24 hours and I need 28! 😀 But it has been for a good reason that I am busy, since I work in a place I love, I study the language I love and I get to work out and do stuff that empower my happiness and destroy my OCD.

now, with an expanded understanding, you believe something else

While I 100% agree.  my mind doesn’t see it that way. It may not make sense to you but this is how my brain works, 2 sided. It is completely split. I often have agruements with my own mind. OCD again, plays a huge role in this I think. The only senario that plays in my head, is that I am a loser and he was right. But I do reckognize that this is huge ego talk and that I have to find a way and let my true self speak, not my hurt ego.

You’d need to tell yourself it’s your father’s programming, and there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind or making a mistake

I do believe this. It is not me. You know what happened 1 or 2 days before my birthday? I went back in time. I saw that when I met my then bf, I didn’t want to marry or have kids until a certain age, I knew I always wanted to do those things, but it wasn’t something I stressed or even thought about. My obsession and fear with having a family ASAP, started with my first visit to the OB/GYN. He wrongly diagnosed me with something and with infertility. I nearly fainted in his office. I started panicking about having healthy kids, because back in 2015, I lost my beloved 14 year old cousin, due to her been born with brain damage and severe health problems. In her case, it wasn’t due to a disease, but rather the OB/GYN’s mistake. Anyway… I still got this fear, even 3 years later with nothing but ultra clear test results, sonograms and multiple doctors confirming that I was neither sick nor infertile in the first place. P.S. I sued the doctor.

Many people in my environment believe that I suffer from a kind of PTSD after that wrong diagnoses. I used to hold babies and cry. I would enter baby clothing shops, look around and exist crying. I would offer help to strangers with their babies (NOT IN A CREEPY WAY, the mothers just happened to actually need help), just to be able to hold one for a minute or so. The same goes baby dolls from my childhood. Though I do not cry anymore and have been back to normal – somewhat – I still carry a picture of me as a baby in my wallet and fear that I will never be able to have my kids photos in there.  But my therapist never wanted to adress this and I still think that it was negligent of her.

 It’s almost like he needed every excuse so he can vent his anger. He was full of anger, but it wasn’t your fault, it was his personality. He might have been angry at his controlling mother, who knows, but he was never allowed to express it to her, and he never saw the need to deal with it in therapy, so he vented whenever possible. It’s easiest to vent at children because they’re weak and subordinate. My mother used to yell at me too, for tiniest things. It’s how they manage stress. But it’s terribly damaging for the child…

First of all, I am so sorry to know that you’ve been through the same things as I have. And you are absolutely right. Both my father – and I suspect your mother too – were too young to be able to check and control their emotions, or even find ways to let them out in a non catastrophic way. And also, our grandparents were too young for kids as well, so this was a vicious cycle. That’s why, I`d rather wait to have kids. I don’t want them to suffer.

The internal compass gets messed up… and eventually, we really might start making foolish decisions and act in weird ways, but it’s the result of our upbringing, not because there’s something inherently wrong with us – as our parents would want us to believe.

But the question is how do we approach the inner child as adults and how do we start fixing our compass? In my experience, being myself is the same as being silly, that no one will take my seriously and that being spontaneous is not adult-like. Let me know if you have found ways to address this in your own experience, if you would like to share how (if) you fixed your relationship with your mother, or rather how you respond to your mother behaviors as an adult . Without losing your soul.

good thing is that you can change, in a way that you aren’t susceptible any more to his fears and attempts to control you, but can be your own person and choose your own life and destiny. It’s not easy to do, but it’s possible, step by step, to reclaim the real, authentic you <3

Can I get an AMEN? ;D Thank you so much for all the kind and supportive words. I work better in life with words of affirmation and support. Too bad my parents understand and pratice this now. So many years the “dough” of my soul & understanding has been molded by scolding and fear. Here’s to more positive steps!!! <3