Dear Philippa:

You are welcome. You shared that you are in your late 20s, have been unemployed for some time, using your savings and parents’ supported to pay bills, and are about to start a great job in May. You are okay living in the city, away from your hometown, because you lived in different cities and countries before, and your social needs are not as strong as your boyfriend’s.

He is in his early 30s, employed, likes his work but is stressed about money. He is unhappy living in the city because he never lived away from his hometown, and having stronger social needs, he feels lonely living away from his friends there. He told you that his father is “more like a very good friend than a father figure to him”, and he argues a lot with his mother. His parents are not married, and both experienced rough previous relationships, marriages and divorces.

The two of you occasionally fought before moving in together and fought only once since moving in. When you fought, he told you that you were selfish. “it sounds a little generic”, you wrote about him telling you that you were selfish. You reasoned: “it just sounds more like an accusation of a negative character trait than a behavior I can work on”. He also told you that he doesn’t feel that you were “emotionally supportive enough”, but when you asked him for specifics, “it didn’t seem like he could”, perhaps because he was tired, you speculated.

My thoughts: your reasoning that he accused you of a negative character trait instead of pointing to a behavior that you can work on is accurate and wise. But I see more to his accusations that you are selfish and not emotionally supportive enough: it seems to me that when he told you these things, when angry, he was saying these things to his mother. It is very common in romantic relationships that one or both parties inaccurately project parts of their early- life experiences with a parent => into the relationships with their romantic partners.

It is also common for parents who are busy with beginnings and endings of their own romantic relationships to not have the time and availability to emotionally support their children. His stronger need to socialize may have originated in him being too lonely at home, with an inattentive mother who did not.. socializing with him as a mother and son. Neither did his father socialize with him as a father and son.

“they seem to argue a lot”, you wrote regarding him and his mother. I am guessing that he is angry at his mother for being selfish, and when he was angry at you, during the fights, he inaccurately projected his mother into you, accusing you of what he accuses her.

What do you think about what I wrote so far?

anita