Dear Dandan:

You are welcome. The more you share, the better I understand. You shared previously: “My parents are so loving and caring”, and most recently: “I know for sure my mom loved all  of us”.

Let’s talk about a mother’s love in general: a mother’s love, when it is really love, on an ongoing basis, it makes for a mentally healthy child. Let’s look at the mental health of your sister and you (you did not describe your other sister):

1) your sister: “my sister used to attempt suicide many times and my dad used to hold her tightly and not let her. This happened for years”.

2) you:  “I hate being alone most of the time…I feel always low… mostly low and depressed… I have used a razor blade to mark cuts in my hand. Plenty of them. Lot of blood… I used to drink and smoke a lot”, etc.

The proof (of a mother’s love) is in the pudding (the child): if your mother truly loved you and your sister, where did that love go.. why is it not in you and your sister.

Also, if your mother really loved you and your sisters, how is it that when you first mentioned the word love in the context of your mother, it was not about her love for her children, but her love for going out and being entertained: “She loves going out, eating out in restaurants”, etc.

If she loved her children where was her happiness about spending time with the children she supposedly loves so much: “my mom is.. low and depressed.. most of the time when she is inside the home.. Once we plan to go out somewhere, she becomes more happy and enthusiastic“- she was not happy inside the home with her children, she was happy to go out and enjoy restaurants etc.

Your sister’s suicide attempts or gestures, you cutting yourself, feeling low most of the time, having a very low self-esteem, having many crushes on girls and women (being desperate for love) all these do not indicate a mother’s love.

The reasons and excuses for why your mother did not love her children (“she didn’t have good education. She did not go to college.. My mom has social anxiety… isn’t mature enough… inferiority complex… she wasn’t capable… She has faced a lot of mental trauma herself) do not change the fact that she didn’t. As the saying goes, the proof is in the pudding: if she loved you, where is that love, where did it go?

“She likes talking. She has complained a lot that dad doesn’t talk at all.. I have listened to her a lot”- you were your mother’s friend of sorts, a substitute husband perhaps.

“She was dull if we were dull. She mirrors our feelings”- for any child, the mother is the mirror for the child’s feelings. The child looks up to the mother for emotional understanding and guidance.

“For her, it is something emotional when I apply and massage her legs when she is in pain. She was so fragile and needy… I did apply and massage. I do that many times. But that day as she was needy of that emotion, I felt so heavy inside, it was too much for me. Felt like crying, I don’t know how to explain that” (May 1, about your mother).

– Earlier (April 30) you wrote about your first girlfriend: “whenever we were too close.. as she was so soft and fragile, I used to feel something weird, as in something too much, too much that I can handle in my mind.. being so close, so much attached, it was something that made me so much mad. I don’t know how to explain”.

Do you see the parallels between the above two paragraphs, one in regard to your mother and the second in regard to your first girlfriend?

You wrote that your first girlfriend was “soft and fragile” and your mother was “so fragile”, but your mother too was soft. You repeatedly, over the years, as a boy and later, as a man, massaged her soft legs, looking up at her face, seeing her smiling with pleasure, enjoying the physical, fleshly pleasure that you gave her.. that experience felt weird, didn’t it, too close, too much to handle in your mind…?

Wikipedia on covert incest: “Covert incest, also known as emotional incest, is a type of abuse in which a parent looks for their child for emotional support that would be normally provided by another adult… The effects of covert incest are thought to mimic actual incest though to a lesser degree, and Kenneth Adams, who originated the concept, describes the victims as having anger or guilt towards parents and problems with self-esteem, addiction and sexual and emotional intimacy”.

anita

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