I am not doing well. I spent a few days feeling acutely suicidal. I think that has passed, at least I don’t feel that way right now, but I am so down.

My sister has been a great support, and she has even offered to put me in a residential treatment program. The program looks amazing and I think it would help me. I’m scared though. It’s a 5 hour plane ride from where I live to the centre, and I won’t have much access to my technology while I’m there. I’m scared that intensive therapy is going to be incredibly painful, and worried that it won”t even help.

I don’t see that I have any other option though. I had to take a leave of absence from work because I couldn’t do my job anymore. I am almost unable to parent my son at all. I am so, so depressed. I feel guilty and ashamed and miserable all the time. All I can do is lie in bed and watch TV. We got out for a walk in a nice park yesterday, though.

My husband is being really helpful. He’s not good with emotional support, but he tries. And practical support he is great at. He dug up my garden yesterday so I can plant stuff, and he’s been taking care of our son. And he has joined forces with my sister because he knows she can give me the emotional support I need. I have realized that I’ve been so focused on what he can’t give me that I’ve been ignoring all he does for me. It is nice to feel loved by him, even if he expresses love in a way that is harder for me to recognize.

Just writing this out I can see that not everything is bad right now. I am reaching out for help a lot. I’ve called mental health hotlines, my psychiatrist, my sister, my husband, friends from work, and now you. I can see that I am trying to help myself, and although there’s a lot I can’t do for myself right now, I have people beside me who can carry some of that load.

I just wish I didn’t feel so dark all of the time.

Thank you for reading this.

Ilyana