Hi Anita,

It’s the “paste” function that doesn’t work here; the source of that ‘paste’ is not relevant.  “Copy” simply places the highlighted text or image into temporary memory storage (“Clipboard”), and “Paste” dumps the content of the ‘clipboard’ into the active input field of a document or web page (such as this ‘reply to’ text entry box).

Hate to spin off on a technical tangent; it’s a little like my Zoom meetings, where the technology can interfere with the flow of a meeting sometimes: problems logging in, people forgetting to mute or unmute their microphones, frozen or choppy video, stuttering or slow audio (which ironically enough can sound like the speaker is pretty well sloshed 🙂   ), and other minor things that pop up.

Besides… it’s over.  All I can do is be who I am, and the real sting for me is that this was the first time I tried to be fully and authentically who I am (or who I see myself to be), and to have that first foray end like this is disheartening.  What I was surprised to learn from all this was the apparent depth of my desire for a clean start, to shed the baggage of my past.  To be seen with fresh eyes that don’t also see all of the not-so-good things that happened in years past, as is the case with my current situation.  When my wife looks at me, she sees more her idea of who I am, and a lot of past associations… sort of a composite image-over-time, not who I am right now.  It’s tough to get past things when they keep getting brought up on a regular basis.  There are things I’m trying to improve about myself and my behaviors, and when I frequently “get my nose rubbed in it,” it’s both irritating and engenders a feeling of “what’s the point, what’s the use?”

Of course, I know that the point, the use, is for me to improve myself *for* myself; improving myself for others is simply a by-product of that.  Still… it feels like trying to swim with a scuba-diver’s lead weight belt on.  Discouraging.

I don’t know… there were two brief moments with her (AA friend) in which I never felt so very close to another person; mutually understood and shared suffering was one moment (both of us perusing a “Do you think you have a drinking problem?” pamphlet, and “comparing notes” about the behaviors listed there (“I’ve done that…”   “You have??  ME TOO!”), and it was a moment that I think lifted a guilty load from us both.  The other… harder to describe, but extremely emotional – – for me, anyway.  I wanted more of those moments, understandably enough, I think, especially since moments like that have been so lacking for me prior to them.

Enough wallowing.  It’s done, and the only way I could have done anything differently would have been to do what I’ve always done: cobble up a new mask to fit this person, so I would be accepted (or at least, not rejected).  If I need to be someone other than who I am to keep something going, then it’s not worth doing so, and is wasted effort.  I’m slowly finding it easier to expose more of who I really am, the more I practice acceptance and mindfulness and read books geared towards such things (“Radical Acceptance” and similar/related).  I don’t think either one of us was anywhere even near ready; in fact, my therapist was of the opinion that I had “dodged a bullet” when things unraveled.  He’s probably right.  And dwelling on what’s past is another thing I’ve always done… and it hasn’t served me well, so I’ll not dwell on it any further.  I’ll “mine” it for lessons, and pack it away with other things I don’t want to forget… but also don’t want to ruminate over.  Pointless rumination does nothing but prolong pain, and prevent healing.  Thoughtful reflection and looking for lessons is a far more healthy and fruitful way to go, I think.

At any rate, I truly thank you both, Anita and TeaK (by the way… is that “Tee-Kay,” or “Teek,” like the wood?  I’m guessing the former), for your perspectives and your thoughts, and just for being willing to help others.