Dear DaveF:

You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation and grace. Following your suggestion that the woman you are living with (I will refer to her as W) is not aggressive, and stating that you have no fear for your safety, I studied your original post and the following two posts with the consideration that W is not aggressive, looking for the reasons for your current emotional struggle being elsewhere. I hope that you are okay with me developing my thoughts here, and that what is to follow will be somewhat, somehow helpful to you (but I understand that it may not).

In your original post, you wrote about the break-up conversation you had with W: “I didn’t expect it to be a massive surprise, but it was not taken well, with begging and very hurtful and difficult statements such as ‘you will regret this’…  I fear that another break-up conversation would be too difficult for both of us.. fear that I will then be on the receiving end of many insults, desperate pleas, hurtful comments (from her and her family), and overall life-wrenching anxious times”-

– I am paying attention to your choice of the adverbs and adjectives the words they modify, in the quote above: massive surprise, very hurtful and difficult, too difficult, many insults, desperate pleas, life-wrenching anxious times.

Looks to me that you tend to magnify unpleasant/ negative experiences and perceive them as much bigger and worse than they really are. Maybe W’s insults and hurtful comments.. were not really insults or hurtful.

Here are more of your choice of adverbs and adjectives, and the words they modify: “we both came out of very hurtful and painful relationships…After moving in together, I noticed acutely the red flags of the relationship.. We have both suffered terrible family tragedies in the last 18 months..  I noticed early in our relationship, that sex seemed awkward, difficult, painful”-

– very hurtful and painful, acutely noticed red flags, terrible family tragedies, painful sex. If it’s unpleasant- it is magnified in your mind.

* I am assuming sex was emotionally painful to you, not physically painful.

Before the recent break-up conversation, you shared: “I fear.. another  break-up conversation.. fear that I will then be on the receiving end of many insults..  terrified of another confrontation”-

– You magnify the negatives and expect the negatives to be further magnified in the future, escalating into greater negatives and overwhelming you, terrified of what is to come (“fear.. fear.. terrified”).

You shared about your experience before you met this woman: “I.. have had struggles with depression, anxiety, and loneliness in the past”, and about your childhood, you shared: “I had a difficult time with a divorced mum and dad as a kid – a mother who was very comforting and loving, and a father who was very distant emotionally and tough on me”-

– this is all you shared about your childhood. Absent are the sounds you heard as a child: perhaps there were arguments between your parents (before they separated and divorced), maybe angry and loud, maybe angry and quiet, maybe the silence between them was tense and threatening. Maybe you were afraid of their next argument, or the next silence treatment one imposed on the other.. Maybe you walked on egg shells, so to speak, waiting for the other shoe to drop, scared, sometimes angry. Maybe in the silence of the home, alert to every sound, your hearing became acute, each sound magnified, so to prepare for danger to come. This can explain your current magnification of potential threats, threats that often do not materialize (do they?):

“I was terrified of another confrontation, but.. I actually brought up the subject the other day with my concerns for the relationship, which I was met with less hurtful comments, but with a suggestion to live separately to try to resolve issues”- terrified of a potential threat that did not materialize.

You wrote in regard to living with this woman: “I feel trapped”- trapped as a child perhaps, in the home where you grew up. The child that you were wanted perhaps to take action and run away from home, but he was too scared: (1) he will be so lonely away from home, (2) his mother will be very, very sad if he runs away, and she does not deserve to be hurt.

Fast forward more than 20 years: “I..  feel like crying every time I see her in the house, as she does not deserve to be hurt… I feel so sorry for my partner and my feelings make it hard to hold back the tears most days. I am so scared that if I do take action, I would feel so lonely and regretful, but breaking up is also all I’ve thought about for months”.

anita