Dear Teak,

Thank you again for your thoughts. I feel you have really opened my eyes to how I may be feeling and how I am approaching this, both emotionally and practically.

It seems there’s a part of you that feels guilty for asserting yourself and having your needs met, and it could be coming from the little boy who didn’t want to burden his mother with his needs, when she was struggling alone, being a single mother?

This really hits home with me, I felt responsible often for my mother’s happiness as a child, because I knew how difficult she had it. I have always been so close with my mother, but was acutely aware how hurt she had been by my father, and I was always torn when going to my dads (and his new partners) house, because they both hurt my mother so much (affairs etc.).

This sounds like another part of you, who’s afraid of being abandoned. And it could be because one parent (your father) had already abandoned you, so there’s a threat of that always looming…

Definitely, I have struggled with abandonment issues for many years, when partners have broken up with me, I have tried to hold things together, but have been so emotionally distraught with being left by people and this definitely is compounded with friends and close relationships as well. You are right, my father (who admitted several times) didn’t really want children, but our relationship got better as I became an adult. But that didn’t change the feeling that I constantly fought for my fathers approval and didn’t feel I ever had it. I was a sensitive child and my father just didn’t know how to comfort an upset child.

And as for my friends, I feel my abandonment issues coming up again in this scenario, I am trying not to judge with thoughts like “if it was me, I would help my best friend out”. They have both said that with their girlfriends being around, having another person in the house would be too crowded, with one of them working from home. I am trying to understand these reasons, but still feel a little resentful. They believe that I will be fine living with my mother temporarily, but she is in a different city, and I don’t want to isolate myself from my friends and work in this city.

Yes, I have been looking at sharing a house with other young adults in the area, so that has given me some confidence that there are options for temporary housing, I guess it is a little daunting and scary, but as you and Anita have both mentioned, it seems I have a tendency to amplify fears and negative emotions, so I am working on cultivating mindfulness and calmness to let be what will be, even if there are some temporarily uncomfortable times.

Please free to express whatever it’s on your mind and heart, you’re not “ranting” at all, you’re expressing yourself very coherently and with a lot of self-awareness. I am happy to read from you.

Thank you, you really have no idea how much this is helping to share and hear all of your thoughts on this platform, I wish I would have reached out sooner. I am eternally grateful for this 🙂