Dear Lily:

Accountable!

“maybe it is dread to start the task I have to do”- yes, I think that dread/ anxiety is behind you postponing tasks that you are anxious about doing imperfectly, and distracting yourself by watching videos for hours. I don’t think that there is a self-sabotaging intent, consciously or subconsciously (“My therapist sometimes asked me: ..Why am I not ‘allowing’ myself to be successful?), behind your habit of distracting. It is a habit by now, and that’s why even though you are unhappy about distracting, “still it is hard to stop”- habits are indeed hard to stop.

“I also  work on the less important projects.. because they are easier to do, as they don’t have to be perfect, finished projects. Maybe I still want to make everything perfect”- the compulsion to perform tasks perfectly is making you anxious, and to lessen your anxiety- you  distract.

Following a few hot sunny days, it is cloudy and chilly here today. Good night, Lily!

anita