Dear j:

You are 20, just out of your teenager years, suffering from Pure OCD: a form of OCD marked by obsessions that are usually not accompanied by outward behavioral compulsions (ex., turning around five times one way followed by five times the opposite way).

A few months ago a guy you met on Tinder picked you up, took you to his place where the two of you drank a lot of alcohol and got high. You then messed around consensually. At a certain point you asked him to have sex with you, and he said no. You did not respect his no, and kept asking, guilt tripping and badgering him. The end result was that the two of you did not have sex beyond the initial consensual messing around. The next day, you asked him if you “had forced him to do anything that he didn’t want to (do)” and “he said no”. Months later, you sent him a message apologizing and telling him that you understand if he wants to press charges.

“what I’m trying to ask is how should I act with myself now? I feel as though I am not allowed to have friends if they don’t know what I’ve done.. I feel like I’m not allowed to enjoy things because I’ve shown a pattern of problematic behavior… I feel immense guilt and shame over it… it’s difficult for me to separate what is an appropriate amount of guilt because I’m constantly wondering if its my OCD making me feel this way”-

– my comments: (1) From what you shared you did not rape or sexually assault the man because there was no sex between the two of you (following the consensual messing-around). You can’t reasonably question whether or not a sexual contact was consensual when there was no sexual contact.

(2) From what you shared it is true that you have “shown a pattern of problematic behaviors”: going to a man’s place the first time you meet him in person, getting drunk and high with him, badgering him to have sex with you, etc. These behaviors need to be addressed- preferably in the context of psychotherapy.

(3) I think that you are “allowed to have friends”: friends that will help you be a better person as you help them be better people.

(4) I think that your shame and guilt are about your problematic behaviors, as you termed them, and not a product of your OCD. As you work on #2 above and make sensible, reasonable choices time and time again, after a few weeks or months- your shame and guilt will lessen and you will feel that you deserve to enjoy things.

(5) If your OCD is severe, I suggest that you see a medical doctor (if you haven’t so far) and consider medications.

anita