Anita and TeaK-

You are so perceptive and so wise- I feel lucky to have found you.

I went through a brief down-cycle over the past few days. It seems that even minor stress can invade every corner of my mind and reduce me to a cowering, trembling lump. I received a couple of voicemails about financial matters that I’m worried about, and not only could I not listen to them, I couldn’t even look at my phone or have it near me. I do the same thing with paper mail- I’ll often throw it away, unopened. I can’t bring myself to look at it, and then I can’t look at myself. I’m so ashamed of my cowardice.

Anita, I like your pixel analogy because it describes how and why I feel so overwhelmed. So much feels wrong that I no longer have an idea of what “right” looks like. I’ve been staring at this broken screen forever and it’s all that I know.

TeaK, I’ll try to describe what I consider to be my most fundamental flaw: I am not the man that I’m supposed to be. I am supposed to be assertive and confident. I’m supposed to be able to solve problems with grace and to be a reassuring presence. Instead, I’m afraid of opening the mail and I can’t even say No to someone. I feel like a scared kid, not a grown man, and I hate it.

I fear that, even when I feel good, it’s only because I’m ignoring and burying everything that’s bad.

What on earth am I going to do?