Dear natie:

“I am scared this behaviour (you made a mistake so you need to do X in return..”-

– your mistake was traumatizing for you because you felt very badly about having cheated on him, and because you were abused (“I was physically and emotionally abused by her multiple times. which traumatised me till now”). Your sense of self-worth took a dive and you felt “bad… ugly.. as a human”. You felt very ashamed and guilty. You told him everything about the cheating, repeatedly expressed massive regret, and therefore, he knew how badly you felt about your mistake.  He comforted you at the time, but eight months later, when he wanted to motivate you to give up your job and move back home, he chose to revive your pain, your shame and guilt, and use it for his advantage. To say that this is not a loving behavior is an understatement. This behavior is unethical, dishonest and mean.

“8 months after me confessing to him about the cheating.. he opens up by saying.. that ‘anyone else besides him would have left me for what I have done'”- First, he lied: he has to know that it happened before, in the history of mankind, that men have stayed in relationships after knowing that their girlfriends/ wives have cheated. Second, he sent you the message that  you OWE him, you have a great debt to him.

Question is, for how long do you owe him for his .. unique generosity for having stayed in the relationship with you. This sets a bad precedence where whenever he wants you to do something that you don’t want to do, he tells you: you owe me!

Perhaps this behavior on his part is a first, maybe a result of him being extremely distressed- in which case, I imagine that he would regret it when he calms down, and sincerely apologize to you. At that point, you may be generous enough to forgive him. But if he doesn’t apologize, if he doesn’t regret it.. then he may not be the man you thought he was.

anita

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