Dear Ashmitha:

“I asked him if he had time for a relationship and he said that was a good question and that it’s something he’s thought about before, but because he likes me a lot he wants to make it work”-

– You asked him a question (if he had time for a relationship). He said that your question was “a good question”. But then, did you notice that he didn’t answer your question? He didn’t say Yes or No or Not Enough. He complimented you for asking “a good question”, but he didn’t answer it. Disarmed by his compliment, you moved on from your unanswered question.

He said that “he wants to make it work”- is “it” a casual after-work relationship, or is it a relationship with the intention of it leading to marriage? If it’s the latter, how does he want to make it work?

“I invited him to meet my friends next month but he said ‘.. my sister’s birthday party is then.'”- the problem is that he does not want to introduce you to his family and friends, which would have been the way to make it work (if “it” meant a relationship with the intention of it leading to marriage).

“I don’t think he is using me. I brought that up and he seemed hurt that I thought he was stringing me along. I think this is just how he views relationships?”- He is clever. He expressed hurt at the idea that he is using you and it worked: you concluded that he was not using you (expecting that a man who uses a woman will not express hurt when confronted, but anger instead or.. cold indifference).

“I don’t see behaviour changes… But he always fights to stay together when I bring problems up?”-  seems like his fighting is devoid of any action, and is limited to vague vocalizations like “I want to make it work” (vague for not indicating what “it” is and how he wants to make it work).

“One thing I am struggling with is the thought of being single again. I would be okay with it myself, but the opinion of others is bothering me. This is my 4th “serious” relationship and 4 is a lot in my culture.. I’m sure people talk about how I’ve dated ‘a lot'”- (1) You placed ” ” around the word serious- because it is not serious, is it (2) It is easier for a man to use a woman who believes that she is running out of options, for being considered to have dated too much.

But what are you gaining by continuing this “serious“/ casual relationship?  More dating to add to your too-much-dating cultural reputation? I am sorry, Ashmitha: the guy reads to me like a wolf in sheep clothing: appearing oh so polite, so  nice.. hurt by the idea that you think he uses you.. not wanting you to be angry… He is clever.

anita