Dear Richard:

Combining your two threads, you shared that you have struggled with anxiety and depression  most of your life. At about 33, you did not feel fulfilled at your full-time job, so you quit it to pursue my doctorate. You did not have a clear idea at the time as to what you wanted to do for a career, and how you would use your degree- but you figured that by the end of the program, you will figure it out. The doctorate program was grueling, and you often thought about dropping out, particularly some 3 years into it when you “felt completely lost and was so anxiety and depression ridden.. barely sleeping”.

The program lasted longer than you anticipated: 8.5 years and ended in the winter of 2020-21. In January 2021 you were wrapping up an internship, after which you were going to be unemployed. You still had “no clue” about what you were going to do, and your anxiety intensified: “Nights and mornings are particularly difficult.  I wake up in the middle of the night with a sense of dread and hopelessness.. when I wake up my heart is racing, and I begin ruminating”.

Later you calmed down somewhat, but none of the opportunities you came across excited you, and so, the job search was frustrating. Fast forward to a week ago, your anxiety and depression intensified once again.

In my last reply to you back in January, I wrote to you regarding the origin of your anxiety being in childhood: “I am bringing these things up because although what you are already doing (taking a walk outside, reading certain books, doing CBT exercises, listening to a sound machine at night, etc.) is very helpful, gaining insight into how things came about-in the long run- is necessary for healing”.  You did not respond to that post. Maybe you didn’t read it. More likely, you didn’t want to look that far, it was inconvenient. Maybe you felt better and you didn’t think it useful to examine the past.

Problem is, when we had a troubled, unresolved childhood, it keeps chasing us no matter where we live, what we do for work and what degree we earn. We keep re-experiencing the same emotional experience of childhood, which in your case is your personal mix of anxiety and depression that you are well familiar with. You had therapy, but clearly it was not enough- you needed more quality therapy. You still do.

anita