Dear canari:

I made an 8-phase time-line of your relationship with your former soulmate and first love as you referred to him: (1) The Relationship: August 2019- April 2020 (7 months), (2) Friendship: April 2020- June 2020, (3) Hook up/s: June-July 2020, (4) No-Talking: Mid August, (5) A few brief, casual talks: Sept 2020-Jan 2021, (6) Daily talks, Best Friends: February-March 2021, (7) Troubled Friendship: April-June 2021, (8) No-Talking: July 2021 (current).

(Regarding # 3, the Hook up/s- the timing I mentioned is based on what you wrote: “In June 2020 when we hooked up…. the guilt he had for hooking up with me in July 2020″).

The reason for the breakup of phase 1, April 2020: “The reason for our breakup: I was suffering from severe depression & anxiety and it made me difficult to deal with.. Because of those anxious thoughts I was becoming very difficult to be around which caused him to back away from me… Although he tried to be there for me, there wasn’t a lot he could do” (quote from Dec 2020).

In regard to Sept 2020- Jan 2021, you wrote: “I was very anxiously attached to him, and he was very avoidant, this caused me a lot of distress” (quote from July 2021)

Being in your first relationship/ first love, caused you anxiety because in the context of an intimate, romantic relationship you feel anxiety. Psychology today: “The anxious attachment style is always concerned about the stability or security of the relationship. People with this attachment style tend to agonize over the meaning of words or actions by a partner. They read negatives into otherwise neutral or positive interactions. They also tend to crave constant reassurance that the relationship is secure, and the affection and love are still present.”

You were anxious during the 7 months of the  1st phase. You were anxious after the breakup, during the 2nd phase (“being clingy”). You were anxious when he “started being a bit distant” in June 2020. You were anxious during and after the hook up/s of the 3rd phase because you “had the intention that we were going to get back into a relationship together and I was very much attached to him“, but he told you that “he was not ready for a relationship and he thought he loved me like before, but he did not“.

But then, as is typical to a person with the anxious attachment style, when not in a romantic relationship, one’s anxiety significantly lessens and the person experiences a relief, a sense of freedom from anxiety. For you, this freedom began during the 4th phase and into the 5th phase of Sept 2020-Jan 2021, when your contact with him involved only a few conversations that were “very brief and unrelated to our past“. For a person who is anxious in the context of an intimate, romantic relationship, being outside that context provides much relief: “My depression and anxiety significantly improved… I felt a sense of freedom“.

The relative freedom from anxiety continued into the 6th phase, which made it possible for you to be in the best-friends phase for less than a couple of months (Feb-March 2021). In March, “he told me has feelings for me. I was so shocked“, shocked and anxious again: “I wasn’t sure if those feelings were genuine.. I was so anxiously attached to him that I wanted another relationship with him“, but he rejected the idea, telling you that “he couldn’t“.

Your anxiety resumed sometime during the ending of the 6th phase, and it escalated during the 7th phase of April- June 2021 when “he slowly lost feelings for me.. we ended up arguing a lot… he held onto one joke I made..  and assumed that I meant it to hurt him.. he was so angry with me”.

“Last time we spoke was in June when I messaged him about one thing regarding his behavior and he told me that he has been professionally diagnosed with ASPD“- the ASPD diagnosis did not come into play before the the last day of the last phase, phase 7th.

“When I say my ex was very kind and selfless, I only mean he was that way to his loved ones (1 or 2 people including me), not to everyone else… His diagnosis does not mean he is incapable of feeling love and empathy…He is only a “good person” with his loved ones (a few people)“-

– Assuming that (1) it is true that his psychotherapist diagnosed him with ASPD, and that (2)  his therapist did not misdiagnose him (it is common for mental health-care professionals to misdiagnose patients, and it is common for professionals to disagree regarding a particular patient’s diagnosis), then if he was was “very kind and selfless… a good person” with you, and if he was capable of “feeling love and empathy” for you– then his ASPD diagnosis is not relevant to the 8 phases of his relationship with you.

In summary: it is your anxiety within an intimate, romantic relationship with a man (having an anxious attachment style) that needs to be attended to. I think that rather than “Letting go of hope for (his) recovery” (the title of your thread), it is better that you continue to focus on your own recovery while abstaining for some time from any kind of a relationship with him (a future 9th phase), and/ or with any other man.

anita