Dear TeaK,

I definitely think the cheating brought back childhood feelings of being inferior, not wanted, not worthy, etc. My mom was quite harsh with me, alternating between showing me love and then neglecting me or punishing me – eating from the floor if I was messy at the table, stabbing my hand with a fork if I reached across the table, not talking to me for days if I cried while telling her I was being bullied at school, unapologetically ransacking my room for a webcam to prove that I was a 15 year old cam girl (I had a job at a diner, she knew that’s where my money was coming from), telling me I walk like a coward THEN telling me to walk with my head down because I’m not better than anyone..etc etc.

Once I moved out at the end of high school I was able to learn to love myself, and that continued through university and after. But the cheating definitely brought me back to “you’re not good enough, of course”. And S wasn’t patient enough for that healing process when we were together.

S and M are both creatives who enjoy music festivals and traveling. But yes, their personalities are quite opposite. I think I wanted someone more low-key after S because I attributed his inability to take responsibility as a symptom of his ego. Ironically, M also has accountability issues.