Dear TeaK,

My dad is retired military, and there were periods of time as a small child where I wouldn’t see him. But in between deployments and after they slowed down, he was (and still is) a loving, playful parent. He allowed me to be a child, inspires me, holds space for me, is my biggest cheerleader, and biggest role model. Even though we disagree sometimes as adults, we always discuss our differences rationally and with compassion. I consider him one of my best friends, and I am very, very lucky to have him.

My older sister had the job when she was my age, and I followed suit. I think most things I did at that age were either to avoid my mom’s wrath or in hopes of pleasing her.

How I parent her now is the same as when I was 16 – talking her through her depression and anxiety, helping her put things into perspective, listening. For many years, during visits, she could be found sitting on the stairs or in the hallway crying, and then would literally lean on me apologizing for being “the worst mom in the world”. But never going into any specifics, just spiraling with regret. To which I would initially respond with “Mom it’s okay! We’re fine!”. And then later would respond with a more sterile “It is what it is, mom, stand up.”

She doesn’t do that anymore, after I told her it seems more like self pity than a true apology a couple years ago. And I’ve already told you her recent response to my efforts to heal specific wounds caused by her.