UPDATE: I had a brief reprieve of my depression and anxiety last week. It started with a breakdown. Last week Monday (July 19) I broke down crying while on the phone with my dad. Prior to my dad calling me I had just received an invite for a job interview. Not sure why, but that email, along with my overall mental and emotional state these past several weeks, triggered a flood of emotions. You would think I would be happy about getting an interview, but instead I found myself in a downward spiral dwelling on the uncertainty of my future and my employment. I called my dad and broke down crying on the phone. I told him I do not want to feel this way anymore. He did his best to be there for me. I eventually told him I had to go because I had to calm myself down. I had to calm down because I was heading to a friend’s house in preparation for house and pet sitting for them. I felt down that evening and Tuesday (July 20) morning. I had my interview in the afternoon and I felt like it went ok. I do not feel as though I have performed poorly in any of my interviews so far. That is not to say I feel like I hit homeruns by any means, but I felt like they all went fairly well. That is a plus considering how I feel as of late. However, I find myself questioning what I want to do for a career before, during, and after each interview and it really stresses me out. After the interview I went to my friend’s house to begin pet and house sitting. I was at their place from Tuesday until this past Sunday evening. It turned out to be a great distraction. I know caring for pets can have great therapeutic value and it did for me. The owners normally crate their dog in the evenings, but I let her sleep next to me. Yesterday was the first day I was no longer pet and house sitting and I immediately noticed an increase in my anxiety. It was palpable.

Since my last update I have had 3 interviews with 3 different employers. One today, which I am no longer interested in the position…and to be honest…I am not even sure why I applied for it in the first place. I think I applied because I did not have any applications out there that were still open. The interview last week Tuesday was for a job I was initially excited for, but found myself losing interest in. The other interview took place on Thursday, July 15th and consisted of 3 separate interview sections, each about 45 minutes long. I felt like the first two sections went ok. I felt like I struck a level of rapport with the interviewers and answered their questions effectively. The third part was with the person to whom the position will report to. I had a number of points about the position, as well as my own background, I wanted to clarify, so I used the opportunity to ask quite a few questions. I wanted to make sure I had a clearer idea as to what the position would entail. It is a new position with a lot of ambiguity. I am a bit worried my questions may have made me come across as unsure about myself and my abilities. But…I felt it important to get clarification about certain aspects of the role so that both sides could make a better decision. I also clarified my background. Some interviewers talked about statistics and I wanted to make sure the person who the role reports to knows statistics is not in my background. Nor is it something I really want in a role beyond descriptive statistics. While again I felt it important to clarify my experience, I have been worrying it made me appear unsure about my abilities. I was not in an ideal mental state leading up to or during the interviews, but overall I felt like I did alright all things considered. I did not leave any of the interviews any more excited about the opportunities than what I went into them with. That is rather disheartening. I want to have an interview that when it ends I leave thinking, “I HOPE I GET THIS JOB!” in excitement and not desperation.

One more update…the weekend (July 17-18) after my 3 part interview I was obsessing over how I was going to manage moving if I got the job. I literally was online looking at apartments, pricing movers, and considering various other options. I became super stressed. Stressed to the point where I was searching moving stuff on my phone because I could not sleep. It is crazy. I was obsessing and stressing about a move I may very well not have to make because I might not even get the job! Yet it was all I could seem to be able to think about.

As always, thank you Tiny Buddha community for listening.

Richard

PS. As of writing this post, I have yet to hear of any decisions regarding the positions I interviewed for. Now I am trying to focus on finding additional opportunities to apply for and trying to stay positive.