Dear TeaK,

The mess with M has been our fairly broken relationship that has been on the decline for most of its timeline – which I suppose I should share to give you a better picture.

We started dating shortly after I moved to Pennsylvania March 2019 (due to my break up with S). I lived with my dad to get back on my feet, and my relationship with M was of course wonderful. We saw each other every other day, doing fun things at home, going to shows occasionally, etc. When we first started dating I asked him all the huge questions (kids, goals, perfect day, expectations, family dynamic, life philosophies) to make sure that I didn’t repeat some of the mistakes I made with S. For example, S wasn’t sure if he wanted kids but I always wanted them. I didn’t want to be misaligned with my new partner in that way.

We had a noticeable problem from the beginning, however. He was always late to everything. I would sit on his doorstep an hour past the time he told me he would be home from work, I would wait for an hour to 3 hours at my dad’s for him to pick me up, etc. It was very odd.

If wasn’t until we were dating for 6 months or so that I found out about M’s addiction. And at the time he masked it as occasional use that he had control over. I don’t like to judge people, and I dabbled in substances recreationally when I was younger. I knew he came from a traumatic childhood, with a neglectful alcoholic mother and an absent heroine addict father. I respected who he grew into despite those beginnings. So I trusted him. But as time went on, things didn’t add up, and I started to view it as ana addiction. I could tell high M from sober M, and I would ask him to quit, letting him know I wasn’t okay with it.

Christmas and then my birthday wrapped up our first year together. Both of those dates, very important to me, he dropped the ball. I had to make the gifts for his family (not sleeping Christmas Eve) because he “didn’t have the time”, and he didn’t show up to my dad’s for cake and presents. I cried a lot that night, so disappointed. He did plan a getaway at an inn spa for the next night, but there were hiccups – we are vegan, and he didn’t warn the cook, so we couldn’t eat. He also didn’t realize that the spa portion needed reservations, so we showed up the next morning to a closed door.

Then COVID hit, a year into our relationship, and I moved in so he wouldn’t be alone during the uncertainty. That’s when the severity of his addiction became apparent.

He would get to work late, get home late, be behind on bills so I would cover for him, forget date nights, usually not come to bed…things were just obviously falling apart around him but he thought he was in control and that my expectations were “too high”.

I almost left in August, but he promised me he would quit and seek help.

I was busy preparing for graduate school and trying to stay afloat through COVID, but all of this was too much for me. Our fights increased and got worse, and my mental health went into a sharp decline. The holiday season was a momentary distraction as I focused on my favourite time of the year, but shortly after my birthday arrived and was, quite frankly, miserable. Around that time I started graduate school AND a cat we had rescued gave birth. I considered moving out or breaking up then, but the vet recommended for the kittens stay in one place until we found them homes.

The fights escalated, and he finally quit using (if I’m to believe him) in April 2021. His attitude and behaviour haven’t gotten much better. I’m still going to bed and waking up alone 6/7 nights a week, I make dinner for when he says he will be home and I eat alone, then go to bed alone, nothing ever gets done or ends up happening. I’ve learned how much of his childhood has formed strange relationship ideas – he doesn’t see how his actions and habits are not conducive to a healthy family, and tells me that I am expecting a “demigod” as a boyfriend.

When using his computer a few weeks ago an email popup showed me that he was “liked” on okcupid.com. I asked him about it and he told me it’s an old account he needs to delete. I didn’t believe him (he lies often), and I made an account. Sure enough I found him, with an updated picture from our trip to my best friend’s wedding earlier this summer. When I showed it to him he said he just wanted someone to say something nice to him, since I don’t anymore. He got angry in a fight shortly after and punched holes in the wall – which triggered my childhood memories of my stepdad filling our house with holes.

That’s when I decided to move out, and to sign us up for therapy. He doesn’t want me to move out, but I don’t know what else to do.

My patience now after 2.5 years is nonexistent, so our interactions are usually not good. He told me I need to be more patient. His mother decided to get involved and now views me as the antagonist in my life and has told me to get out of his life. My family doesn’t know about his addiction, the attempted cheating, but what they do know makes them not support the relationship. My dad, who knows M, says he has potential but needs to change and is unacceptable as a partner.

Then here I am visiting my mom and the situation with S happened. I am going back home to continue looking for an apartment, a better job to support living alone, sending the kittens to their new homes, and bracing myself for if we don’t work, despite how much I love him. I feel conflicted because I have 2.5 years left of graduate school, yet I greatly dislike where I live (last year I chose a school here because M and I are living here).